Day 09 – Distance

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I understand now that distance won’t matter. Our heart grew fonder. Our determination grow strong. Every step is towards success….

I will be lying if I am ok. I think I am but most of the time I have been wondering about him. What is it like out there? Been losing sleep cause at the back of my mind there is always him. I always imagine the day he were to come back is tomorrow. I am looking forward to that day like I have never been looking forward to anything before….

May Allah SWT keep him safe and protect him. Bring him back in our arms when he is done with work. Aamiin…. 

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Day 07 – A Week

Assalammualaikum,

A week has passed. How time flies…. 

I am getting the hang on things, busy with my boys that I practically have no rest the moment I knocked off work. Rushed to feed them dinner, for me a quick dinner , hang the laundry, prepare boy’s dinner and my lunch for tomorrow…

I think I see myself doing this everyday. Tiring…. 

Yesterday was the “one week phase”.

I was really tired to write anything here. Waiting for his calls and msgs until I myself fell asleep. Woke up at wee morning suddenly mind alert. Try to selawat and alhamdulillah I managed to sleep well until my next alarm rang. 

We do not have a good communication yesterday due to the bad weather at his end. He must have been feeling bummed up as he could not contact us…. 😞

woke up missing him a little bit more. Hopefully today will be better….

As of now, all I can do is wait …… ~

Day 06 – The Day

Assalammualaikum,

It only seems like yesterday that he suddenly told me he will be off to work on Thursday. Mixed feeling came upon me. I am happy as well as I was sad. My heart suddenly sank the moment I knew but I rather not show it… This is not all about me, as I said I can’t be selfish. Then I only realized that I have less than 2 days with him….

I tried to cherish every last moment with him at home, while we were busy running errand for his trip… i have dread the day to come but I have to face it…

masya allah, how time flies…. Been keeping myself real busy last two days to keep my mind off missing him every second of the day. Entertaining my children is easier now as my mood seems to pick up.

I do cry whenever I came across his smell, cause since Day 1 I have loved his smell … But my cries are “maintanable” as of yesterday…. It was worst for the first few days until my mind got really tired and my eyes feels dry…

I remember when we were dating I told him I was on half day going to settle some issue for my firstborn school fees. Just as I tapped my card out from the MRT, whilst walking and texting him, I smell a familiar scent… Suddenly he was there, waiting for me….

And it seems true that we have been doing things together since we got together….

Now we both are so near yet so far…. He is out there alone, I am here managing things alone….. 

I thanked Allah SWT for giving both of us the strength to  carry on our days even when it gets hard. Our “miles apart” is not as bad or the worst as when Nabi Adam A.S searching for his beloved wife, Hawa when they were sent to Earth…

We are in different miles apart to “mend our bond”. It is tighter, it feels like the first time that we fell for each other… It makes our heart fonder towards each other… 

I will never get bored of you , my love…

Till my next better piece….

Day 05 – Alhamdulillah

Assalammualaikum….

Today is only the fifth day, but it feels like it has been months. Back to work and kept myself busy. Told my collegue and my boss to give me work so that I will not go into my “own world” and be a cry baby at work…

something to take my mind off… Alhamdulillah, although the memories is still running in my head, I have come to accept that I can’t expect his presence. I can imagine but it will only be that…..

I would close my eyes and imagine he will be standing at the end of the bed watching us, surprising us… from work… Masya Allah…. When I opened my eyes, it was just another one of my “imagination” & “expectation”.

When the reality is We have a long way to go…..

Dear Love,

I know you want me to feel better. I know that your situation being alone is much harder than where I am now…. I never fail to update you on our kids, what I was doing… Eventhough you know that it is an everyday routine of my life…. Do not worry as we are doing fine… Do not give up on your hopes and dream just because of us. It must be because of us that you are “killing” yourself doing what you do now. You are a man of short words and hardly express yourself. Only Allah SWT knows what you might be feeling now. Just remember, sadness doesn’t last forever… Get back up, keep on hustling and do what you do best. For you. For your boys and future princess, and for me, your faithful wife….

May Allah SWT ease your worries, lighten your burden and protect you from any harm …

Aamiin

Day 04 – Healing Process

Assalammualaikum,

What shall I say about my day 04?

Everything pretty much the same …. Just me and my secondborn, missing my firstborn but he was with his bio dad. By the time he reached home I can see he has not been sleeping well, so quickly put him to bed….

Communication with my love became lesser. He have his duty hours and all I do is wait for the time he knocked off duty. When he knocked off he have to rush on his lunch, wash up and have his rest for about 4 hours before start his duty again….

I feel like I get emotional and cry easily when I am alone… When I do, my secondborn being so dear, he would come to me and say “no no” and try to wipe my tears. How can I not cry harder? Ya Allah.

This is not suffering, this is just my healing process. I realized I do get better. My mood to do things is slowly picking up. To keep myself busy, I clean things up even if it’s a bit. When usually he was around, I would layback a little bit on the household chores. I don’t eat much like I used to for now… Eating alone is a pain process too as all along we have never skipped having meals together…

I know I can do this, in time to come, he’ll say I will be immune to it… Will I? Cause I was never a clingy girlfriend to anyone before but with him, I just want him to be by my side since the day I was with him. Whether I like it or not. His presence makes me feels confident. His presence makes me feel I will be protected. Now I feel I am fragile, I don’t wish to step out of the house other than for work….

But I have to, at times, take a little walk, meet my in-laws and family, for the kid’s sake. I have to have a healthy mind, especially for my upcoming baby princess.

Praying is one healing process. I cry to the one and only to heal my heart, to keep him safe, to protect my family, to give me strength…

Till then, I am just happy that he is safe everyday surround with good people….

Day 03 – The Weekends

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When I told my close collegues about him off to sailing, they popped the same questions “and you allow him? Can you handle or not? Who is living with you? Later you have another one baby how you going to handle?”

Firstly, if I do not allow him to have this career path, I would be selfish. At the end of the day, he is not doing this for himself. Does he like to be out there, in the middle of the sea, not able to see his family everyday like any other normal family man got a chance to? Does he like waking up worrying about his wife and children but still have to go thru the day working? Does he like sleeping in a small cabin while he have a bed full of love from his wife and children back home?

No. I don’t think so.

Do I like to be stressful with two minions? Do i like to be crying each time I misses him? Do I like sleeping and keep waking up searching for his presence only to realize he wasn’t there?

Nope. Not me~ 

But this is just a LITTLE sacrifice that we have to make and the beginning already says it all. It is difficult, going to be difficult….. Day by day, as days suddenly become mundane. You don’t feel like doing anything. No comedy is making you smile or laugh like it used to. You just living your days in dazed… You hate being alone but all you wanna do is BE ALONE. But ….. deep down you know it is gonna be WORTH IT…. 

Secondly, about handling or manage things, I am used to handle the kids alone, but yes I do need help. I am no superwoman. I have my bad days and good days. But I always have faith that even if i stumble and fall during this process, I will get back up and do it again. My children is my life. Eventho, at times they get into my nerves real bad. People might think I am a bad mom shouting here and there (put yourself into my shoes and tell me if you are not going to shout). But which mother would not love their own children. In Sha Allah, may Allah grant me patience and strength to handle things…

Life is never an easy road, if it is, it’s not called Life….. 

Till my next better piece….