Missing everything little things

I miss laying next to you

I miss hearing you snore

I miss you your heavy arms around me when you moved to my side

I miss waking up seeing you sleeping soundly beside me

I realized yesterday…..

It has been too long… Too long that I didn’t realize you should be coming back next week..

But we will see what Allah SWT has plans for us… 

But definitely, hearing that you will be coming back on “fill in the blank date” would be nice….

Sincerely,

Your faithful wifey

…Till my next better piece….

 

New Breastfeeding Journey…

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Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

Alhamdulillah. I am so happy to receive this earlier on, thanks to my brother for collecting baby items for me on weekends when I requested his help… 

This is the new breastpump for mummies out there – reviews seems to be good on this one, especially for working moms…

Honestly, I have not try it cause I was comfortable with Avent Manual Single Pump which actually requires alot of “hand” work. Tried Medela Freestyle which was blessed by my collegue but guess the portable pump was spoilt and I bet it was over warranty. So again, back to Avent Manual Single Pump.

Now I am dying to try it but I have to wait for lil princess to be out.

Throwback Memories…

I remember breastfeeding my firstborn. I have no pumps – nothing. All I learn was latching thru out my pregnancy and I did not have a knowledge of pumping and storing of the breastmilk. So when he was out,  you can imagine the soreness of the “B” when it has full milk and I could not get it out. I tried hand pumping out of desperation – but it was really tiring and my “B” was really sore I don’t feel like touching it. When I finally got the time to  head down to Kiddy Palace quickly, while leaving him behind and get a manual pump which was then affordable and reviews said it produced better than those electric pumps. 

Aaaah the relieved.

We survived breastfeeding for 6 months. I was quite sad that my supply became very low the moment I started work. I pumped twice at work but my stash wasn’t enough for him. I did not have the support I was looking for that point of time. Lack of rest, I skipped dinner cause no one looks after him. Right after work I have to latch him, play with him and then put him to sleep while nursing. Either I will sleep along with him or only have the energy to shower and goes back to sleep.

With secondborn, we stopped at 3 months as I fell sick and I have this huge lump (forgot what it was called) on my neck. So with doctor advise and permission of the husband, I had to stop and start formula on him. With him, it was quite frustrating to latch as he would just unlatch like that and milk would go spraying on his face. And when he latch he doesn’t really suck. 

So not every breastfeeding journey is smooth for everyone – no matter whether you are experienced or not. My first experienced was good just that I was low in supply due to lack of support. My second experienced is not what I hope it would be, because I can get frustrated while latching. 

It takes two hands to clap. I always hear some negative remarks from mummies due to their frustration when I was in hospital. But I understand the mother’s depression – it is not easy.

But it is going to be worth it. In sha allah, with the third one, may Allah SWT gives me the ability to produce milk for her as she grows and last our journey together. Aamiin.

In another note, it is not nice to judge a mother based on their capability to breastfeed or not…. Just because the baby is crying does not mean he/she is hungry (again…. After a half an hour feed) and breastmilk is not enough for them…

Mothers feed on demand, as and when the baby wants even when they just want to comfort latch… 

Till my next better piece

assalammualaikum…

 

Counting down the days which we are not promise of….

Assalammualaikum Wr. wb

If you noticed, I have stopped counting down the days of my husband’s return. The main reason is because he himself could not give a definite answer as to when he will make his return. In sha allah, when everything is confirm, will keep an update…

But the good news is…. Alhamdulillah we have survived… It is almost three months and the days has past much faster this year. We celebrated his birthday, mine and our anniversary apart… Which I am surprised I did not make a big fuss out of it… 

I felt ashamed of myself. For complaining when he had to work at night, when he have to be on reservists’ duties. Like wake up already… It was just a ONE night. But now, I went through many nights without him. On facebook, there are some ladies that posted on how their husband have to leave them for night duty/shift or whatever. 

I just wanna say you are lucky to still have your spouse physically there. Even when he is out for work, leave you with a cranky baby – thinking on how you going to “survive” . He will be home to help you around after he is done with his work or after his rest. Besides he is just a spouse, the one that we should rely on is Allah SWT. Pray for your husband well being while he is out for work instead of complaining cause he is out there trying his best to put food on your beautiful dining table and pray that He will make things easy for you whilst your husband is working. 

As of today, I am unwell together with my two boys. Imagine being heavily pregnant at 32 weeks and having to care for two boys that is cranky instead of taking care of your preggy-self. But I am not wishing for my husband to be around. I am not crying on my bed wishing he is here to comfort me.

I am praying for Him to make it easy for us three. I am desperately crying out to Him to make me feel better – on the inside, so I can be a better mom. Patience can be tested, may He only give ease to us. Aamiin. 

With this, I end my writing tonight with just a little word of my own. 

Believe in everything happens for a reason – you will see a beautiful reason for everything that has happened… 

Till my next better piece…

Assalammualaikum…. 

Finding Myself

Assalammualaikum wr. wb,

The lack of update just proved a few things. Either I am busy, tired or I Have no inspiration to write…..

But still writing and reading keeps me sane atleast. Writing allow me to express myself. Reading however opens up my mind to see things at a whole new or different level.

Eversince my husband left for work, I am on a mission of soul searching in what is my purpose in this world. Keep asking myself? Why am I here for? What should I do? Is this the kind of life I want to live like until I died?

Let me share a lil something. We are all human right? We make mistakes. But being me, at times when I made mistake, I go hard on myself. My mistake could be anything. It could be me too tired to be waking up for Fajar then I will feel bummed up the whole day.. It could be me having little patience with my boys not realizing that they are just being kids. It could be me being annoyed with everything else around me that I could just have a “short circuit” moment.

I just felt like the more I asked for patience and perseverance to go thru a rough day, the more I am being tested. One moment I can say “astaghfirullahaladzim” the next I would be screaming my lungs out… 

The more I am bringing myself closer to Him, the more I feel like I am distant. And then I saw this … 

“Before you can fill any vessel, you must first empty it. The heart is a vessel – One can never hope to fill the heart with God, so long as that vessel is full of other than Him” 

and ….

“We are always looking for signs. We are always asking for God to “speak” to us. BUT those signs are all around us. They are in everything. God is always speaking. The question is, are we listening…”

Aha moment for me. Astaghfirullah.

I’ve asked too much, when I didn’t get it, Straightaway I became dependable on humans – in which this case I have not been emptying my vessel.

I’ve asked too much for Him to show me signs to be a better person, mother and a wife. But I was not listening to Him when He have been showing me signs. 

In times like this… All I have to do is stop for a moment from this dunya. Which is doing what We have been obligated to do – the 5 prayers. Empty my vessel, knowing no one can heal, cure, make me feel better other than him.

And may He open my eyes to look for His signs…..

Till my next better piece…

Assalammualaikum…