Finding Myself

Assalammualaikum wr. wb,

The lack of update just proved a few things. Either I am busy, tired or I Have no inspiration to write…..

But still writing and reading keeps me sane atleast. Writing allow me to express myself. Reading however opens up my mind to see things at a whole new or different level.

Eversince my husband left for work, I am on a mission of soul searching in what is my purpose in this world. Keep asking myself? Why am I here for? What should I do? Is this the kind of life I want to live like until I died?

Let me share a lil something. We are all human right? We make mistakes. But being me, at times when I made mistake, I go hard on myself. My mistake could be anything. It could be me too tired to be waking up for Fajar then I will feel bummed up the whole day.. It could be me having little patience with my boys not realizing that they are just being kids. It could be me being annoyed with everything else around me that I could just have a “short circuit” moment.

I just felt like the more I asked for patience and perseverance to go thru a rough day, the more I am being tested. One moment I can say “astaghfirullahaladzim” the next I would be screaming my lungs out… 

The more I am bringing myself closer to Him, the more I feel like I am distant. And then I saw this … 

“Before you can fill any vessel, you must first empty it. The heart is a vessel – One can never hope to fill the heart with God, so long as that vessel is full of other than Him” 

and ….

“We are always looking for signs. We are always asking for God to “speak” to us. BUT those signs are all around us. They are in everything. God is always speaking. The question is, are we listening…”

Aha moment for me. Astaghfirullah.

I’ve asked too much, when I didn’t get it, Straightaway I became dependable on humans – in which this case I have not been emptying my vessel.

I’ve asked too much for Him to show me signs to be a better person, mother and a wife. But I was not listening to Him when He have been showing me signs. 

In times like this… All I have to do is stop for a moment from this dunya. Which is doing what We have been obligated to do – the 5 prayers. Empty my vessel, knowing no one can heal, cure, make me feel better other than him.

And may He open my eyes to look for His signs…..

Till my next better piece…




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Babbling Words

Faith. Lifestyle. Seafarer's wife. Mother. Children

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