Empty

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

And today is the day he left… in fact He has left. I did not accompany him to the airport as baby princess was fussy this morning and he have to check-in straight. 

I thought I could control my tears but yesterday, our last night as he hugged me, I could not hold on to it anymore. 

Yes I know he is out there working, but to have this long distance marriage-ship is hard. Do I have to be all tears each time he goes? I believe I will…

I remember when we were dating and we could not meet for about a week or so cause we have our “pantang” before marriage, I cried almost everyday and that is how much I have loved him from the start. I never want to be parted from him. And if Allah SWT were to take him back, as much as I will ‘redha’, I know part of me will be missing.

The house already feel so empty. I am feeling empty. I do not know how to face my boys later without the tears. I know I have to be strong for them. For myself. For him so that he won’t be worried.

The beginning of another phase without him. With 3 kids. Me alone.

How I wish he is still here, lying next to me, watching his movies on his hp. Just pure silence but his presence means alot to me. His presence is my sense of security.

Dear Allah, please grant me patience and understanding when things did not go as planned. Please grant me strength when You give me a test. Please protect my love wherever he will be and keep him close to you. Please protect my children from any harm that I can’t foresee, only You know, ya Allah.

 

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Too Long But Yet Too Soon

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

The moment that we’ve been waiting but definitely I am not ready for this…

Le Hubs will be flying off this Thursday – can somebody please wake me up from this dream…

Which means another 3 months without him..

Ya Allah, I do not know what to think, my mind is all mixed up upon hearing the news.

Of course, it is for the best as he will be working, but the thought of him not being around….. 

Think about how I am going to cope with MYSELF-with all the things that I need to handle..

Think about handling 3 kids all at the same time…

With their ranting, whining, being like a boss, with having the need to sit down and just latch the princess…

I honestly do not know whether I am strong enough to handle… seeing my secondborn will remind me so much of Le Hub. How they are just a tag team with each other….

Previously it was hard but I guess I still can handle as baby was still in tummy…

When he is around, he has been handling the boys while I concentrate on the princess.

I know people say women can multi-task, yes sure we can – but I am afraid that I’m not being able to handle the stress  anxiety…

May He really give me the support and strength that I will need….

Till then….. 

Gold Portion

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

Today I am going to share a good news regards to my breastfeeding journey.

Alhamdulillah, it all started with an intention and He makes it easy for me and Princess. Initially, she would latch and let go by herself within a few seconds and go all crying cause she “lost” the nip – just like her second brother. It was difficult at first, at the hospital she would cry bloody murder and the nurses have to look in to see everything’s okay.

But after few days of “practice”, she got the hang of it and things got easier. For now. it’s feeding on demand – whenever wherever she wants it. She would be latching on one side and the other ….. leave it for another hour.. so you can imagine the engorgement I have if the other side left without latching. Lucky for me, I have my Spectra S9 to save me.

Why in the world I think that Avent Manual Pump was the best initially? What I have now is so much easier and faster and I don’t go all tired in the end. The yield was better and goooood… It was really good….

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ALHAMDULILLAH! Everytime I opened up the freezer to add on more, seeing this batch for the first week after giving birth is totally mind-blowing. I did not get this amount of Gold Portion for the first two. It was hard as I was too tired to pump, they were clingy each time I want to pump, my diet went wrong – all this sums up to low supply.

This time around even when Princess does not wake up for her feed, I would pump. At times she will wake up while I am pumping – it’s like she knows she’s gonna miss some Gold Portions. So I would latch her on the side which I was pumping out. This – I read – makes my supply even more. Especially when we pumped after latch. No wonder I feel IT is always full. Alhamdulillah.

Currently I am yielding about 50-60ml each side. Which is not much actually – but it does help in future. I wanna keep more than enough stash so I need not worry whether she will be left hungry at Infant Care later on when she gets to enrol. I remember I was so stressed up that there wasn’t enough milk left at home for my firstborn. In Sha Allah, this incident won’t happen again.

So now – keep calm and keep on latching & pumping….

“Mothers shall breastfeed their children for two whole years, for those who wish to complete the term” (2:233).

May He grant me patience and perseverence…

Till my next better piece…

Spouse is all we have.. Dunia Akhirat

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb…

When you have been pregnant for almost a year and you forgot at times that you are NOT pregnant…

Used to being pregnant… 

2012 – firstborn

2014- secondborn

2016 – thirdborn

Every two years, alhamdulillah. Eventhough they are young and  “toddlers being toddlers”, I believe when they grew older together, things will get easier for us both, in sha allah. 

When you are occupied with your little ones, you tend to neglect your spouse. What not right, little ones obviously need our attention 24/7. But that was where I was wrong initially. Eventhough our spouse may not say anything or may understand, but who in this world would not want attention?

As a woman and a wife, our spouse is just one individual that needs our attention and love too. I remember I kept falling asleep while putting my secondborn to sleep – who was then a few months old and I just leave my spouse alone most of the time watching TV – even during weekends afternoon. I was too tired and I felt like my secondborn was taking a toll out of me (he is .. still). Until I realized our relationship is growing further. We have nothing to talk about. I can’t remember what makes him say this, but he does said that I don’t gave him attention. And that struck me.

I may excel in being a mom, but what am I as a wife? At the end of the day, my kids are going to grow up, will start a new life, will have their own marriage life and what will I and my spouse be after all that? Will we be as loving as we should be or there won’t be any communication at all? This scares me….. 

I grew up seeing my mom neglected my dad. Seeing my mom belittled my dad. My mom may be more educated than my dad at that point of time but I don’t see any respect given to my dad. That’s why we – siblings are more closer to Dad. I do not want history to repeat itself. I even promise myself as young as I was in primary school that I won’t be like Mom.

I promised that I will be friends with my kids. They will be open to me with their problems in life. But as a wife, am I really a friend to my husband when he need me? Sure we share some stories that we don’t share with anyone else. Sure we have our moments together. 

I believe how the marriage will turn out is in His Hands, but we need to do something to keep the flame going. Hopefully after my confinement and if he has not gone sailing yet, we have dates, just the two of us. 

Being a friend to our spouse is important and less of a work than trying to be “the perfect spouse”. And I remember during our marriage class, he looked at me and said that “he is confident that we can pull through this marriage.” During our first years was tough but alhamdulillah it got better. And I pray for it to be better, aamiin.

My spouse, in this world and the next, who will be the key to Jannah. 

Till my next better piece…..

A week later……

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb….

Alhamdulillah, a week has passed after the birth of our lil princess. Things was rough at first – constant crying throughout the nights till next morning, no sleep and heavy latching – which I thought it was normal…..

The first two days after I got home from the hospital, me and husband could not get enough sleep and I often overslept and too tired to be organizing the boys’s school stuff. Lucky for me, I have informed my younger brother on what to pack and how to pack (yes, I like things to be in order). Lil Princess kepr us both awake in the day and night, and the constant latching was making me tired. Plus entertaining guest who came to visit. On the 3rd day, things suddenly got better. And I know the reason to it from my masseuse whom I’ve known since my last pregnancy with number two.

See, as I was read a lot on stuff about newborns, they are very sensitive human being that is new to this world. It is like a new “alam” to them. I have told my husband even before princess’s arrival, that I do not wish to have anyone uploading the picture of my daughter when she’s born. He asked me “why” and I told him in the simplest way that I do not wish anyone to have an evil eye or my daughter caught an “evil eye” by people upon them seeing the pictures. You know how social media can be.

Comments:

“Alhamdulillah, congrats dear”

“AWWWW, she looks so pretty…”

 Oh yes the words seems harmless but actually these words can do harm to people.

Obviously as a layman, we won’t know what is the correct way to wish people or comment about someone/something in the correct way, especially in Islam, we have to wish in an Arab language – we can’t expect everyone to know or do this, especially the Kafirs. So somehow we have to live with it. 

The reason why first thing first – to avoid posting pictures of my newborn. BUT… it was too late. My masseuse said that someone (which do not know comes from the social media or who visited us) said something and that it affect my daughter. My daughter have “a thing” with her. So she did something after she saw how my newborn cries – she was very confident that newborns will only cry bloody murder for about 20 mins, but my girl lasted for the whole entire time during my massage and that was an hour plus. Imagine how bad it was. I personally do not know what she did, she is in the industry for quite long and she have her own ‘third eye’ as it seems. She came on the 3rd day for massage and asked how is my newborn. I told her “alhamdulillah cik! She slept throughout the night” and she also said “alhamdulillah” then she apologized to me and said that she had to do something for the benefit of us both.

Alhamdulillah, whatever it is I trust her, and I trust Allah SWT that He has make it easy for me and my husband after the 3rd day. We are able to catch more sleep. I am able to wake up on time to prepare for the boys’s school and see them off in the morning. Also do more chores without worries.

This happened to my eldest before but during that time I do not know anything. I survived the whole first month of his arrival without sleep. Just constantly latching and he have to sleep on top of me until he was 5 months. I can’t do anything, I can’t even cook or eat. He have to be on my arms. That was an experienced which I will never forget too.

So mummies with newborn, sometimes it is best to keep a low key, be very strict to your guest, if you have to asked them to wash their hands and legs (in Islam, we practiced this since small) then you have to. Remember – you are doing this for your baby’s sake and also for your own good. 

So now, I can enjoy seeing my lil princess face , her sleeping while smiling just like any other newborn. She is indeed my precious gem….

Till my next better piece……

 

Gratitude

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

I just want to shout out to my husband, my one and only husband.

At times like this, I feel so blessed for having you as my spouse and it could be no one better. Allah SWT knows what I need and what I need was the support you have given. 

When I was in labor pain, i rather have no one there but you and I have you – crying for you whenever you let go of my hand and I just don’t wanna let go of your hand no matter how tired my hand was being tight.

And now during my confinement when I know you have less of a sleep just like I do, and additional with two sick & clingy boys at home to handle during the day and baby cries during the night, but still you do things willingly and I can feel the sincerity in you.

I would lie if I say I don’t mind you going back sailing just because that’s where we will get some income. As much as it worries me financially but it’s the least matter to me and I know I am dreading the day you will return to sea, again ~ just the thought of it could make me cry (yes i am crying right now… )

I just want to say things that I am unable to say when I am infront of you. That you are a great person, a great dad to your kids, and definitely a great husband to me. May Allah SWT reward you in so many ways. 

I love you and will always do…. 

The Arrival

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Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

Indeed, He is the Best Planner…

While I was stressing, being anxious and reluctant about the whole Induction thingy, He already planned what’s best for us.

As I mentioned, Sunday was supposed to be our Induction day. Saturday I was already giving up and planning on what time we should report to the delivery suite on the next day. We went over to our In Laws at night, hanging around there. Hubs prepared two coconut water for me. Me and boys went home while Hubs follow his dad to JB for awhile. 

As soon as the boys went to bed, I too tried to sleep. But I feel the tightening of my tummy became so intense I keep waking up each time after it took some time to dozed off again. Ard 0115hrs, secondborn was crying bloody murder .. I went to their room and suddenly feel a gush of water streaming out. Freezed. That’s all I could do. After a few seconds, I carried secondborn, woke my brother up to help me with the milk and called my Father In Law . 

After secondborn went back to sleep, I was still in shock, changed and just sit, staring at the blank space. Is this the moment that I have been waiting for….? Well I guess so, been waiting for the whole 9 months, oh no scratched that-  10 months to be exact and finally……

MIL came and fetch me in a cab. Exactly 0215hrs, we reached the delivery suite. Waited for the Hubs which he came about 15 mins. Doctor checked and I was only at 3cm dilated. I have 7cm more to go. Going thru this moment… With no painkiller -i have no idea what I’ve put myself into. I literally feel like giving up towards the end. The pain was so intensed especially my lower back , but as I assumed, after 4 hours I was only at 7cm dilation. 3cm to go now… Nurse keep asking me whether I need Gas as my painkiller. Funny thing I thought it would not be so bad to take Gas. So I asked the Hubs, what does Gas do? We even have time to watch video and in e end I asked him, you think I can last till the end? He confidently said Yes… And that boosted me up to forget about the painkillers and just go thru the pain. Oh c’mon I have endured till 7cm, what is 3cm right? Yea right… 3cm plus the pushing of the baby out. 

Masya allah. I really have no idea where I got the strength from. I know – at that moment I have only Allah SWT watching over me and He have sent my Hubs to support me. Alhamdulillah. Syukur. 

When the princess is out, her loud cries. All I could say was “AllahuAkbar” repeatedly. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing how He have created us woman. Amazing how one human being is living inside another. Amazing how one child birth is being done. Alhamdulillah, our princess came out healthy, weighs 3.22kg, length at 50cm.

Now as I am writing this, waiting for princess to be out from her check up and hopefully good news from the doctor that we can be discharged today. Yes, I am not a hospital person. The only time I stayed Hospital is from giving birth, but I loved the food. Not sure why people hate hospital food , I absolutely have nothing to complain about.. Hee

Till then, much rest needed for me and princess. Will update once I get used to my daily routine … 3 kids…. Mmmmmm…