Blessings

“You want to know what I think tak?” she said. “What is it?” He asked.

She kept quiet and took a deep breathe. Hoping that the words she’s about to say won’t hurt her in future. Praying that when times goes bad, she would not wish that she have not say these words…

“I think that I do not mind you – to continue sailing…” she said. Aaaah relieved…

They have been contemplating on whether the husband should stop sailing, forget about getting his officer license and continue to work on land. So that he can be with his family. But she knows – he is not that keen on working on land. He can’t make decision and she have to reassure him that he may continue sailing , to put his worries away…

“Really?” he sounded surprised. “Okay, if like that give me 5 years. By the time…….”

He explained his plans all over again…

We can only plan  – on how it will turn out to be, it is in Allah SWT hands.

Will she regret what she said? Only time will tell but in sha allah  , she is a strong willed woman and will always support her spouse in whatever he do.

Life is hard, but to live and not love what you doing, is harder.

May Allah SWT bless my family.

Advertisements

DOA

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

The week is almost over – alhamdulillah. I have a challenging week but went through it. I could not be thankful enough that Allah SWT had sent help today. My in – laws took the boys out whilst I stayed home and rest with the princess. Like really really rest. After my lunch, I was feeling kinda dizzy – which I am still now, that I did not even realized that I fell asleep.

Princess woke up an hr later for milk and I literally nurse her while lying down ,  which I rarely do cause a few times I did it, she almosr choked because of the milk flow… But alhamdulillah we both fell asleep snuggling each other. The weather is nice and cooling, unlike yesterday it was really humid. Even direct fan infront of you, you still feel warm and humid. Maybe that’s why princess wasn’t sleeping the whole day yesterday.

So woke up for Asar and did a little bit of work on my online business so here I am…

I’ve read alot of post on how to make the day easy. One thing for sure – you have to put ALLAH SWT first before anything. In the morning, before you do anything, wake up and pray Subuh. Dzikir will help alot in calming you down in case you have anxiety in your mind that you have LOTS to do… 

Ever happened – you overthink that you have to do this.. oh and you have to do that. Yes, this always happens to me… so I’ve read that dzikir helps. Especially Ya Latif and Istighfar… A LOT..

After Fajar prayers, always ask HIM to make your day easy. To grant you patience and strength to overcome any test given by HIM. To protect you and your family from harm. To ask for endless rezeki for the family. After praying I would dzikir abit longer.. other than the usual dzikir, I would add on more…

Alhamdulillah,  HE does make it easy for me. I could never be thankful enough. It feels weird at times like a day before I was all emotional, I could not stop crying and I keep on praying for strength. The next day, I feel all better and I thought to myself – oh wait, wasn’t I a wreck yesterday missing my MR but today, I feel happy. I miss him, surely but I go on with my day like nothing happened. 

Again another miracle happened.

My previous post was talking about how we will be out of contact until he reaches the port.. I got a message from him yesterday saying his NOKIA phone suddenly have WIFI. SUBHANALLAH. The power of prayers. He was stressed about this and keep on trying to get the WIFI connected before the vessel depart. But we were not sure on how the phone gets the connection. ALHAMDULILLAH.

We may ask for a lot of things from HIM, sometimes I feel that I am in no position to ask that much.But I always remember, HE has helped me in so many ways. HE has make it easy for me when I thought it’s impossible to get through it.HE has saved me when I pray that I could not longer stand being in a deep hole. HE extended his hand to get me out of the misery. How could I – even for a minute think HE will not answer my prayer? 

Sometimes, we asked of HIM and we thought “maybe HE won’t answer my prayers cause it is too much”. And definitely when you think that way, your prayers won’t be answered. Because in the Quran says “I am who my servant thinks I am” – so if we have faith that HE will definitely answer, NOW or LATER – HE will surely give what you ask for. But if you think otherwise, we are the ones who have problems with our faith.

Sometimes we believes and have faith – but it is not strong enough…

I am still sourcing out, searching for my soul to have much more stronger faith..

In sha allah, HE will guide me…

Till my next better piece…. 

A.W.A.Y

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb,

Alhamdulillah, MR has safely arrived Songkhla last Monday.But he just board the vessel this morning. This time around a new person who was handling the crew operation and we were given heads up from him. But it was too early though. MR spent 3 days at the hotel which he could spend more time with us here. Behind all these, there is always a reason.

Now he got news that the vessels will no longer have any WIFI connection. So I guess that three days is for us to prepare in getting used to each other being away and also to use that time to contact each other more. Unlike previously, whereby he will straightaway board the vessel.

No amount of time can actually allow me to get used to it. I bet every single time he goes, I will have this “nomoodlonelysad” feelings. Yes – maybe I am aware that he won’t be around but I can still feel his presence at every inch of the house. I can just look at a space and flashback on what he used to do. Ya know like those movies whereby they flashback their memory. So yeah –  I have been fighting my tears since he depart… but today my heart just filled with sadness and emptiness.

I went out thinking I could just walk around the mall with no particular direction – take a lil breather with the princess. But just walking into Kiddy Palace to get some baby stuffs remind me of him. Where he would walk and look around for toys  – for them boys. So in the end, I went back in less than half an hour. In my heart, I just could not bear walking around anymore. Went back and burst into tears –  coming into an empty house.

I used to enjoy walking alone , with no direction. Window shopping and all… but maybe not today. Previously for the 3 months, I think I never step into the mall for no reason. I will grab my things and went home.

But it’s kinda funny at times when he is around, we would argue and each time we argue I would be wishing for some time alone. But now that I am really alone, I just wish that he is around…sigh ~ 

Anyway as much as I love being home with the princess, just her and I, I am really hoping that her admission to the infant care goes well and I can return to work in 2 weeks time. Being at work  – doing no work at times, can atleast take my mind off some things. It’s gonna be tough now that we can’t contact each other like how we used to… I’m not sure whether I am strong enough for this… 

“Ya Allah, you know my heart more than anyone does. You know my strength more than anyone does. Please fill my heart with iman and happiness and keep me strength strong so that I won’t break. 

Sampaikan rinduku padanya ~~~ aamiin.

Till my next better piece…

Another Voyage

207840723-hope-beach-sunset-Quotes-Quotes

Assalammualaikum

Rare nights like this whereby I would stay up to write something because I am inspired…

At the very least, I hope….

Tomorrow.. or in fact later in the afternoon, Mr will be signing on again at Thailand for another 3 months.

So last year we did not celebrate his birthday – no big deal, my birthday – no big deal and our 2nd year anniversary – no big deal…

Because I am no longer the girl who used to make it as an obligatory to celebrate these events.

This time around we are going to miss three big events as well. Which is Hayden’s 2nd Birthday next month, the whole month of fasting and the whole month of Raya Celebration.

Fasting would be difficult. For both of us. He will be working – he has his own “test” waiting for him while I believe I will have mine too. 

Nobody likes to be alone in fasting month. Especially eating for Sahur and breaking the fast. I remember the last time I was alone when I started to fast back in 2013. Waking up alone and eat in silence. Breaking the fast alone and at the same time feeding a hungry baby.

It will be tough this time around, no doubt about it. But no hardship comes without ease as we, muslims believe. In Sha Allah.

He is the Al’Bashiir (Yang Maha Melihat)- He knows everything, every single steps we take present and in the future. He knows when our hearts feel empty. He knows what we want.. 

and

He is the Al’Muhaimin (Yang Maha Memelihara) – will take care of us. Wherever we are. Whether we need Him or not.

so when we pray for something.. I know He will grant it cause He is the Al’Mujiib (Yang Maha Mengabulkan) our prayers.

I have HOPE in Mr’s vision. It takes a lot of me to have hope and faith in something that I can’t see in the future. Especially with the higher rate of living in Singapore and having three kids. Will this sacrifice be worth it in the end? – honestly I won’t know. If it does not turn out like how we hope it would be, at least ~ I can tell myself..

“Ya know what – you took that leap of faith, and that’s all that matters”

Till my next better piece…. 

 

A beautiful Gem

IMG_3749

“When she is a Daughter, she opens a door of Jannah for her father. When she is a wife, she completes half a deen of her husband. When she is a mother, Jannah lies under her feet”

I was ALWAYS been afraid to have a girl. I felt sucha relieved having to heard I had a boy for my last two pregnancy. But baby, now that I have you, I love you more than I thought I would.

I may not know what you will go through in your life to come and I am praying hard that it won’t be the same as what I have gone through.

You are a gem in everybody’s eyes, especially mine. I will be your mom, your sister and a friend in need. 

May you grow to be a beautiful lady with a beautiful heart. With great modesty and sincerity.

Everyday is Mother’s Day, they say ~

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

So today, 8th of May, is a day for all mothers out there. And at times, I forgot that I fall into a category of celebrating Mother’s Day.

My first time being a mother, it was not really appreciated – at that point of time. I do “celebrate” it, but it was just a sake of being “present” as I got nothing better or no where else to go. Since then, I never really have a Mother’s Day.

And, I never really have that day with my mother. At times, I wonder what went wrong. I really do envy daughters who have a very good relationship with their moms. The voice inside me tells me I am missing something. 

My mom –  was a career woman. A career woman that we grew up seeing her in the morning and at night.A career woman that we only find her on the phone everytime she is at home. A career woman that we have to follow with to viewing of flats for sale with client before we get to our real family dinner. A career woman whom me, as a daughter finds difficulty in sharing my views and thought. 

I find it hard to  be open with her, till now. Whatever she does, I will opposed.I dunno – maybe there is a big gap in our mother-daughter relationship.

We all know –  a mother will always be a mother, no matter what she did in the past, no matter how she was with us.

I just wish, I can forgive her at times…..

Nonetheless, I am a mother of three now and I have a daughter. What I promised myself when I was 11 – to be a friend in need to my kids, to spent time with them no matter how busy i am with my work. Importantly, to be there for them….

In sha allah

Till my next better piece… 

Random Thoughts

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

I have .. again ~ meaning to write after the event but was so tired. The next day was just a relax, lazy day for us. It was raining, the weather was nice, princess slept well thru out the day. I got my rest and nap time. Alhamdulillah.

Yesterday, it was not a good day. I hardly rest. I had to work on my online business, princess wasn’t sleeping at all, Hayden was around cause he had ulcer and was extremely cranky. I hardly eat and sleep. Very very cranky.

Some days are good, some days are bad. But I take both as a blessing. Bad days is to test on my patience. Obviously I was quiet cause I am even too tired to talk. At times I do lose my cool. Good days are for us to enjoy and be thankful of. Appreciate the day before it’s gone. Like~ you will never know when it will last as I had described it. One day it was good and you are hoping the next day it’ll be the same, but you are wrong..

Same as fate.

It came to me few days back, what will happen if I never wake up the next day and my husband is not around. Will I be able to respond to my children calling me when they wake up. What if they are helpless on seeing my lifeless body , no response from me like how I usually respond to them? What can a 4 yr old and 2 yr old toddler do to tell his uncle that I am no longer alive? Will princess keep crying for milk and I can’t go to her..?

It is not about me. It is about them. I imagine my soul being there BUT I can’t do anything. I can’t kiss them, I can’t smile at them, I can’t hug them. Seeing them seeing me lifeless. Can they go knocking at their uncle’s room door to tell him I have passed on or will they just ignored and went to the living room just like any other day – clueless kids, what can I expect right?

All this worrying .. but again I need to audit myself, what have I done to deserve a better afterlife… 

I know after I passed on, He will take care of everything that is left in this world like He always do. 

Rezeki, ajal maut ada ditangan Allah SWT. As much as we pray for rezeki, if it’s not ours, we won’t get it. As much as we worry or pray that we won’t pass on so soon, when the time comes, we can’t say “wait.. I need a little more time”

Scary isn’t it?

Till my next better piece