Nearing Murtad


I chance upon a video on Facebook whereby an artiste was telling the Uztad on his journey briefly and that he “baru nak start” because of his son.. took me back where I was 8 years ago..

Everybody sure have been in a point whereby we think that we do not need GOD because we are true to ourselves, we don’t do harm, we do good.. so who needs GOD? Right?

I had that thinking last time. I always tell myself – I do good, what is the possible situation that GOD will punish me? Or I do good, maybe my good is much more than my bad and that GOD will excuse me from hell?

But HE tested me greatly for 4 years. And me being weak, I fell into the trap of syaitans each and every time. Whereby everything bad, syaitan makes it look good. And every good, syaitan makes it difficult for me to do.

For 4 years, I lived my life like as if I won’t die. I lived my life in freedom. I lived my life in the way that I “always wanted” during my younger years. Even if I die, I have this believe that GOD will forgive me and excuse me from hell. Cause I did good. I don’t harm people, I am not an hyprocrite, I told the truths even when it hurts. So I should be in heaven right?

I lived my life with strangers whom I thought was a family. I surround myself with full of activities that are for the kafirs. And…. sadly… I thought I was happy ~. I enjoyed it. But the enjoyment doesn’t last long. The next day I would be like “what the HECK did I just did?” And to coax this weak heart of mine, I told myself… “nah it’s okay, it’s not a sin, you’ve enjoyed it right” or maybe that’s what syaitan trying to tell me.

Then I slowly thought, if GOD is really there, why am I in this position? Why am I being so broken and no one is here for me? I was out there, with no family and little friends. Those people that I thought was a family to me, wasn’t there for me cause to think about it now, their lives is more messed up than mine.

So why, GOD? Why me?

Until I came to the point , I stop saying “Allahu Akbar” whenever I yawn. I stop saying “Bismillah” before I ate my food. Instead of saying “Alhamdulillah” whenever I burp, I said Excuse Me. And if halfway I CAUGHT myself saying all this, I stop MYSELF.

I STOP MYSELF. Many points to Syaitan. Zero for Me. *ting ting*

I was doing bad stuff until I don’t want to do it anymore.. I was alone. I had nobody. I had my son. But at that point of time, I still did not give much thought about Allah SWT.

But I did pray in my little heart “Dear God, please make my son beautiful..” while I was pregnant. And that’s it.

After some time, some things happened and I looked at my son. I can’t be like this forever right? What will my son sees his mother as? A slave ? A weak woman? I needed to be strong for him.

And I prayed one more time with this weak heart and running tears…..

” Dear GOD or whoever you are, I dunno who should I mentioned cause I am lost. If you are really there, if you can hear me. If you are the ALMIGHTY God, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please take me and my son away from here or give me someone that is better than me –  that can guide me to a right path to be closer to you, just do it. And I will just follow what you have written for me, please I begged you. And when I leave this stupid place, please don’t make my heart turn back!”

Within a month, things change.

That nearing moment whereby I nearly said Dear Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I nearly worship Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I took my son to church to have him baptist. That nearing moment whereby I happily say I am a freethinker. That nearing moment whereby I nearly MURTAD from Islam. 

It never happened. Cause all this while – while I am lost, Allah SWT is still protecting me from being further astray.

And He answered my prayers. This slave of his. The one who did sins everyday. The one who once had forgotten him. 

It’s not true of a saying whereby “if u forgotten Allah SWT, He will forget you.”

But He hasn’t forgotten me. 

He was there all along, my heart just didn’t see it. I was blinded for that period of time but He opens up my heart to see, once again.

I wish I could tell my journey to people. The way I used to lived everyday. It’s not to open up my own aib (of course not into details) but to at least gives hopes. Especially to teenagers these days, I don’t mind. 

I still remember learning the surahs for solat in the night with my torch light on so that I don’t wake my son up. And memorizing it all over again within that short hours cause I really want to solat subuh the next morning.

And I was excited the next morning to perform subuh. And I cried the moment I prostration. I cried thinking how I have wasted my life. And I thanked Him cause if it’s not for my past either, I won’t be how I am right now.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I have seen how this world is. It’s just full of fantasies. But it doesn’t last…

My time of enjoyment is up. I wish for nothing more but for my heart to not be attached with the world activities. 

Do I missed it?

Nope, I just feel embarrassed by all the things that I have done. Like “OMG ! What was I thinking doing that back then..?” hahaha..


I have a husband that loved me for me. Minions that drive me mad but still love their mother no matter how harsh I am to them. After 4 years, I am back with my dad whom I made him cried the most, Mom whom I have neglected, siblings and relatives that I cared for. 

May ALLAH SWT build our homes near each other and bring our family closer in Jannah.


With that, have HOPE that Allah Swt is there even when you feel like a sinner, have FAITH that Allah Swt will guide you and LOVE Allah Swt for HE loves us more than our own mothers.

Till my next better piece…..