What is the first question to be ask on the day of Judgement?

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Assalammualaikum Wr. Wb

As usual, I have been meaning to write but not quite inspired … 

But days ago, I felt blessed and it took me some time to realize it cause I never really look beyond…

Back then when I was working in a big company, I told myself, “okay, I am not going to miss a prayer cause it will be like a chore for me once I got back and I will rush into it. So no matter what, I WILL STILL PRAY ! Approved or not approved by the management. “

And there was a collegue of mine whom I called Uncle, prayed Zuhur during lunch – cause he lunch in which makes it easier for him. And before I start anything, I ask him, what will he do, how he take wudhu at the toilet (easier for men) and which stairways flight he will take. Cause some collegues of ours would take the stairs to go to the pantry therefore we do not want to startled them or made them “paiseh”  – it’s best to be unnoticeable.

Yes, he prayed in the staircase area. I just don’t understand – of all the office rooms that a company have, a space for a 5 minute or less prayer is just too much for them. Luckily, in Islam, you can pray anywhere provided the area is clean, even if it is not, we can just use a piece of cloth to cover it.

Alhamdulillah for Allah SWT has actually make it easy for us.

So after I did my research, I tried for a day. Then slowly it became everyday. But there are times, honestly, I just feel lazy, cause it is just way too much. Woman in Hijab, you have to take out your hijab, you have to put it on after and pinned all over again. This alone takes up 5 – 7 mins of your time. In total, you went MIA 10 mins max from your desk. And at the back of your head – you got worried your boss will look after you. You get worried your HR noticed you went for a longer lunch (when at time Zuhur is towards the end of lunch time)  – this –  which I went thru personally. Being questioned on my lunch hour. PFFT. Yea i know right ~

But …………………………….. there is always a blessing to everything. You took the hassle to rush yourself to Allah Swt. You are in between performing your purpose to ALLAH Swt and holding to the amanah (job) that is given to you. You are doing the best you can to fulfill what is bestowed upon you and what is given to you.

There are days whereby I have a strong iman, I’ll be like “yea man.. I am doing this …” and when I have weak iman, “yea… later I will qada’ at home, it’s okay, as long as I pray.” In the midst of everything, deep inside, I prayed that it would be good for me to work at a place whereby I need not rush thru my prayer and no longer find it such a hassle (astaghfirrullah).

Once I even thought of working in a madrasah or masjid as an admin just because I want fulfill my prayer.

Little did I know and how late has I come to realize, that Allah Swt has actually answered the prayer made by this heart of mine.

I am working with my mom right now. She did a partition at the back of the office , just the little space for us to pray. We did our wudhu with a spray bottle or bottle of water because the toilet is a public toilet. And best of all, I do not have to worry about my “boss” looking for me….. ;p

It was all so easy. I went home, have time to fetch my kids without rushing (alhamdulillah for my small ride) masyaAllah. I have time for myself before magrib. Ate dinner after magrib – wait for Isya’ and then I end my night with my kids. No worries, nothing.

SubhanAllah.

Of course, everyday is not that easy peasy. Some days my kids have melt down I have to attend to them first. Once they are okay, I will dismissed myself for a while to pray. Some times, we went out for dinner as a family outside, and of course rushing home to pray.

It all depends but certainly, He has make it easy for us all.

And with that, I believe when your intention is good and  pure, He will make it happen.

I am not pious, nor even close to be pious. I am a sinner but I want to be better…

With this, till my next better piece…

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Temporary

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Assalammualaikum WrWb,

Alhamdulillah another week has passed and we are left with 2 more days of fasting (excluding today)

My crib is pretty much ready for Raya. I managed to do 2 kuehs, the rest was bought by my father. Alhamdulillah.

Today I am gonna say what has been in my chest for the past two days.

We all know that nothing last forever. Happiness does not last forever, soon you will be sad. Money does not last forever, soon you will have to spend it. Life does not last forever, soon you will be dead.

I’ve lost a friend whom I’ve known for years while working. My collegues are more like my friends as we pretty much see each other everyday. This late friend of mine passed on Friday evening. After all the shock, I came to realize she was chosen on Ramadhan and a blessed Friday. Alhamdulillah. We were not that close, we have our differences. I was once known as a girl who does not talk much and don’t really handle other people’s bullshit well. She has flaws and some things she has done that makes me build a wall around myself. But then, we still have fun together when we were in a group. We went for company’s trip together.We had fun during dinner after work before I had my first son.

When I learnt more about how I should be around people, how I should not be egoistic in thinking or judging others –  who am I to say what she did was wrong? Have I not done wrong all my life? Nauzubillah, maybe my sins weighs more than hers. That’s when I became more socialize with people and not to judge based on what I see or hear. 

My biggest regret – is that I am unable to seek forgiveness for the wrong that I have done towards her. Whether is is from the front, back, up or down, I have wronged her. And I feel bummed that Allah SWT does not give me a chance to apologize to her.

This made me realized, whatever we do in life, we should never wrong others. Be it spouse, family members or friends. WHOEVER we meet in life. 

This year, my mission is to put ego aside and own up to my wrong. It’s never shameful o be the first to apologize. Life is TEMPORARY, how long would you want to remain the same.

One day you will see the world and have a whole lot of plans ahead of you, another second, minute, hour or a day, you may only find yourself looking at your lifeless body.

Astaghfirullah Al’adzhim

“Semoga Allah SWT tempatkan kau disisi orang-orang yang beriman. Tenanglah kau disana, Sharifah Yasmin Arfah”

Till my next better piece…

DOA

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

The week is almost over – alhamdulillah. I have a challenging week but went through it. I could not be thankful enough that Allah SWT had sent help today. My in – laws took the boys out whilst I stayed home and rest with the princess. Like really really rest. After my lunch, I was feeling kinda dizzy – which I am still now, that I did not even realized that I fell asleep.

Princess woke up an hr later for milk and I literally nurse her while lying down ,  which I rarely do cause a few times I did it, she almosr choked because of the milk flow… But alhamdulillah we both fell asleep snuggling each other. The weather is nice and cooling, unlike yesterday it was really humid. Even direct fan infront of you, you still feel warm and humid. Maybe that’s why princess wasn’t sleeping the whole day yesterday.

So woke up for Asar and did a little bit of work on my online business so here I am…

I’ve read alot of post on how to make the day easy. One thing for sure – you have to put ALLAH SWT first before anything. In the morning, before you do anything, wake up and pray Subuh. Dzikir will help alot in calming you down in case you have anxiety in your mind that you have LOTS to do… 

Ever happened – you overthink that you have to do this.. oh and you have to do that. Yes, this always happens to me… so I’ve read that dzikir helps. Especially Ya Latif and Istighfar… A LOT..

After Fajar prayers, always ask HIM to make your day easy. To grant you patience and strength to overcome any test given by HIM. To protect you and your family from harm. To ask for endless rezeki for the family. After praying I would dzikir abit longer.. other than the usual dzikir, I would add on more…

Alhamdulillah,  HE does make it easy for me. I could never be thankful enough. It feels weird at times like a day before I was all emotional, I could not stop crying and I keep on praying for strength. The next day, I feel all better and I thought to myself – oh wait, wasn’t I a wreck yesterday missing my MR but today, I feel happy. I miss him, surely but I go on with my day like nothing happened. 

Again another miracle happened.

My previous post was talking about how we will be out of contact until he reaches the port.. I got a message from him yesterday saying his NOKIA phone suddenly have WIFI. SUBHANALLAH. The power of prayers. He was stressed about this and keep on trying to get the WIFI connected before the vessel depart. But we were not sure on how the phone gets the connection. ALHAMDULILLAH.

We may ask for a lot of things from HIM, sometimes I feel that I am in no position to ask that much.But I always remember, HE has helped me in so many ways. HE has make it easy for me when I thought it’s impossible to get through it.HE has saved me when I pray that I could not longer stand being in a deep hole. HE extended his hand to get me out of the misery. How could I – even for a minute think HE will not answer my prayer? 

Sometimes, we asked of HIM and we thought “maybe HE won’t answer my prayers cause it is too much”. And definitely when you think that way, your prayers won’t be answered. Because in the Quran says “I am who my servant thinks I am” – so if we have faith that HE will definitely answer, NOW or LATER – HE will surely give what you ask for. But if you think otherwise, we are the ones who have problems with our faith.

Sometimes we believes and have faith – but it is not strong enough…

I am still sourcing out, searching for my soul to have much more stronger faith..

In sha allah, HE will guide me…

Till my next better piece…. 

Random Thoughts

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

I have .. again ~ meaning to write after the event but was so tired. The next day was just a relax, lazy day for us. It was raining, the weather was nice, princess slept well thru out the day. I got my rest and nap time. Alhamdulillah.

Yesterday, it was not a good day. I hardly rest. I had to work on my online business, princess wasn’t sleeping at all, Hayden was around cause he had ulcer and was extremely cranky. I hardly eat and sleep. Very very cranky.

Some days are good, some days are bad. But I take both as a blessing. Bad days is to test on my patience. Obviously I was quiet cause I am even too tired to talk. At times I do lose my cool. Good days are for us to enjoy and be thankful of. Appreciate the day before it’s gone. Like~ you will never know when it will last as I had described it. One day it was good and you are hoping the next day it’ll be the same, but you are wrong..

Same as fate.

It came to me few days back, what will happen if I never wake up the next day and my husband is not around. Will I be able to respond to my children calling me when they wake up. What if they are helpless on seeing my lifeless body , no response from me like how I usually respond to them? What can a 4 yr old and 2 yr old toddler do to tell his uncle that I am no longer alive? Will princess keep crying for milk and I can’t go to her..?

It is not about me. It is about them. I imagine my soul being there BUT I can’t do anything. I can’t kiss them, I can’t smile at them, I can’t hug them. Seeing them seeing me lifeless. Can they go knocking at their uncle’s room door to tell him I have passed on or will they just ignored and went to the living room just like any other day – clueless kids, what can I expect right?

All this worrying .. but again I need to audit myself, what have I done to deserve a better afterlife… 

I know after I passed on, He will take care of everything that is left in this world like He always do. 

Rezeki, ajal maut ada ditangan Allah SWT. As much as we pray for rezeki, if it’s not ours, we won’t get it. As much as we worry or pray that we won’t pass on so soon, when the time comes, we can’t say “wait.. I need a little more time”

Scary isn’t it?

Till my next better piece

 

Spouse is all we have.. Dunia Akhirat

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb…

When you have been pregnant for almost a year and you forgot at times that you are NOT pregnant…

Used to being pregnant… 

2012 – firstborn

2014- secondborn

2016 – thirdborn

Every two years, alhamdulillah. Eventhough they are young and  “toddlers being toddlers”, I believe when they grew older together, things will get easier for us both, in sha allah. 

When you are occupied with your little ones, you tend to neglect your spouse. What not right, little ones obviously need our attention 24/7. But that was where I was wrong initially. Eventhough our spouse may not say anything or may understand, but who in this world would not want attention?

As a woman and a wife, our spouse is just one individual that needs our attention and love too. I remember I kept falling asleep while putting my secondborn to sleep – who was then a few months old and I just leave my spouse alone most of the time watching TV – even during weekends afternoon. I was too tired and I felt like my secondborn was taking a toll out of me (he is .. still). Until I realized our relationship is growing further. We have nothing to talk about. I can’t remember what makes him say this, but he does said that I don’t gave him attention. And that struck me.

I may excel in being a mom, but what am I as a wife? At the end of the day, my kids are going to grow up, will start a new life, will have their own marriage life and what will I and my spouse be after all that? Will we be as loving as we should be or there won’t be any communication at all? This scares me….. 

I grew up seeing my mom neglected my dad. Seeing my mom belittled my dad. My mom may be more educated than my dad at that point of time but I don’t see any respect given to my dad. That’s why we – siblings are more closer to Dad. I do not want history to repeat itself. I even promise myself as young as I was in primary school that I won’t be like Mom.

I promised that I will be friends with my kids. They will be open to me with their problems in life. But as a wife, am I really a friend to my husband when he need me? Sure we share some stories that we don’t share with anyone else. Sure we have our moments together. 

I believe how the marriage will turn out is in His Hands, but we need to do something to keep the flame going. Hopefully after my confinement and if he has not gone sailing yet, we have dates, just the two of us. 

Being a friend to our spouse is important and less of a work than trying to be “the perfect spouse”. And I remember during our marriage class, he looked at me and said that “he is confident that we can pull through this marriage.” During our first years was tough but alhamdulillah it got better. And I pray for it to be better, aamiin.

My spouse, in this world and the next, who will be the key to Jannah. 

Till my next better piece…..

Gratitude

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

I just want to shout out to my husband, my one and only husband.

At times like this, I feel so blessed for having you as my spouse and it could be no one better. Allah SWT knows what I need and what I need was the support you have given. 

When I was in labor pain, i rather have no one there but you and I have you – crying for you whenever you let go of my hand and I just don’t wanna let go of your hand no matter how tired my hand was being tight.

And now during my confinement when I know you have less of a sleep just like I do, and additional with two sick & clingy boys at home to handle during the day and baby cries during the night, but still you do things willingly and I can feel the sincerity in you.

I would lie if I say I don’t mind you going back sailing just because that’s where we will get some income. As much as it worries me financially but it’s the least matter to me and I know I am dreading the day you will return to sea, again ~ just the thought of it could make me cry (yes i am crying right now… )

I just want to say things that I am unable to say when I am infront of you. That you are a great person, a great dad to your kids, and definitely a great husband to me. May Allah SWT reward you in so many ways. 

I love you and will always do…. 

Istighfar

imageAssalammualaikum WR Wb…

At times like this when I have lose patience as I did not have an easy morning…

Ya Allah , you know what’s best for me. I know that whatever you are delaying me for, is for the best for me… I know I did not take it easy and well, I have lose my patience, I muttered some words that I wish it wasn’t a prayer… hence forgive me …..

Alot of challenges in my life that I can be patience of but I know handling a fussy child is not my forte from the start. I have no idea at times how I can handle the situation.

Mainly I realize it is not from me, it is from Him.

Why do at one minute I was furious mad and another minute A reminder to myself that having children is a gift and an amanah that was entrusted to me cause He knows I can handle it? 

He gave me his reminder right on the spot when I just lose patience. Subhanallah.

Astaghfirullaha’lazim.

May Allah SWT ease my affairs for the rest of the day… Aamiin

Till my next better piece…