Nearing Murtad


I chance upon a video on Facebook whereby an artiste was telling the Uztad on his journey briefly and that he “baru nak start” because of his son.. took me back where I was 8 years ago..

Everybody sure have been in a point whereby we think that we do not need GOD because we are true to ourselves, we don’t do harm, we do good.. so who needs GOD? Right?

I had that thinking last time. I always tell myself – I do good, what is the possible situation that GOD will punish me? Or I do good, maybe my good is much more than my bad and that GOD will excuse me from hell?

But HE tested me greatly for 4 years. And me being weak, I fell into the trap of syaitans each and every time. Whereby everything bad, syaitan makes it look good. And every good, syaitan makes it difficult for me to do.

For 4 years, I lived my life like as if I won’t die. I lived my life in freedom. I lived my life in the way that I “always wanted” during my younger years. Even if I die, I have this believe that GOD will forgive me and excuse me from hell. Cause I did good. I don’t harm people, I am not an hyprocrite, I told the truths even when it hurts. So I should be in heaven right?

I lived my life with strangers whom I thought was a family. I surround myself with full of activities that are for the kafirs. And…. sadly… I thought I was happy ~. I enjoyed it. But the enjoyment doesn’t last long. The next day I would be like “what the HECK did I just did?” And to coax this weak heart of mine, I told myself… “nah it’s okay, it’s not a sin, you’ve enjoyed it right” or maybe that’s what syaitan trying to tell me.

Then I slowly thought, if GOD is really there, why am I in this position? Why am I being so broken and no one is here for me? I was out there, with no family and little friends. Those people that I thought was a family to me, wasn’t there for me cause to think about it now, their lives is more messed up than mine.

So why, GOD? Why me?

Until I came to the point , I stop saying “Allahu Akbar” whenever I yawn. I stop saying “Bismillah” before I ate my food. Instead of saying “Alhamdulillah” whenever I burp, I said Excuse Me. And if halfway I CAUGHT myself saying all this, I stop MYSELF.

I STOP MYSELF. Many points to Syaitan. Zero for Me. *ting ting*

I was doing bad stuff until I don’t want to do it anymore.. I was alone. I had nobody. I had my son. But at that point of time, I still did not give much thought about Allah SWT.

But I did pray in my little heart “Dear God, please make my son beautiful..” while I was pregnant. And that’s it.

After some time, some things happened and I looked at my son. I can’t be like this forever right? What will my son sees his mother as? A slave ? A weak woman? I needed to be strong for him.

And I prayed one more time with this weak heart and running tears…..

” Dear GOD or whoever you are, I dunno who should I mentioned cause I am lost. If you are really there, if you can hear me. If you are the ALMIGHTY God, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please take me and my son away from here or give me someone that is better than me –  that can guide me to a right path to be closer to you, just do it. And I will just follow what you have written for me, please I begged you. And when I leave this stupid place, please don’t make my heart turn back!”

Within a month, things change.

That nearing moment whereby I nearly said Dear Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I nearly worship Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I took my son to church to have him baptist. That nearing moment whereby I happily say I am a freethinker. That nearing moment whereby I nearly MURTAD from Islam. 

It never happened. Cause all this while – while I am lost, Allah SWT is still protecting me from being further astray.

And He answered my prayers. This slave of his. The one who did sins everyday. The one who once had forgotten him. 

It’s not true of a saying whereby “if u forgotten Allah SWT, He will forget you.”

But He hasn’t forgotten me. 

He was there all along, my heart just didn’t see it. I was blinded for that period of time but He opens up my heart to see, once again.

I wish I could tell my journey to people. The way I used to lived everyday. It’s not to open up my own aib (of course not into details) but to at least gives hopes. Especially to teenagers these days, I don’t mind. 

I still remember learning the surahs for solat in the night with my torch light on so that I don’t wake my son up. And memorizing it all over again within that short hours cause I really want to solat subuh the next morning.

And I was excited the next morning to perform subuh. And I cried the moment I prostration. I cried thinking how I have wasted my life. And I thanked Him cause if it’s not for my past either, I won’t be how I am right now.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I have seen how this world is. It’s just full of fantasies. But it doesn’t last…

My time of enjoyment is up. I wish for nothing more but for my heart to not be attached with the world activities. 

Do I missed it?

Nope, I just feel embarrassed by all the things that I have done. Like “OMG ! What was I thinking doing that back then..?” hahaha..


I have a husband that loved me for me. Minions that drive me mad but still love their mother no matter how harsh I am to them. After 4 years, I am back with my dad whom I made him cried the most, Mom whom I have neglected, siblings and relatives that I cared for. 

May ALLAH SWT build our homes near each other and bring our family closer in Jannah.


With that, have HOPE that Allah Swt is there even when you feel like a sinner, have FAITH that Allah Swt will guide you and LOVE Allah Swt for HE loves us more than our own mothers.

Till my next better piece…..



What is the first question to be ask on the day of Judgement?


Assalammualaikum Wr. Wb

As usual, I have been meaning to write but not quite inspired … 

But days ago, I felt blessed and it took me some time to realize it cause I never really look beyond…

Back then when I was working in a big company, I told myself, “okay, I am not going to miss a prayer cause it will be like a chore for me once I got back and I will rush into it. So no matter what, I WILL STILL PRAY ! Approved or not approved by the management. “

And there was a collegue of mine whom I called Uncle, prayed Zuhur during lunch – cause he lunch in which makes it easier for him. And before I start anything, I ask him, what will he do, how he take wudhu at the toilet (easier for men) and which stairways flight he will take. Cause some collegues of ours would take the stairs to go to the pantry therefore we do not want to startled them or made them “paiseh”  – it’s best to be unnoticeable.

Yes, he prayed in the staircase area. I just don’t understand – of all the office rooms that a company have, a space for a 5 minute or less prayer is just too much for them. Luckily, in Islam, you can pray anywhere provided the area is clean, even if it is not, we can just use a piece of cloth to cover it.

Alhamdulillah for Allah SWT has actually make it easy for us.

So after I did my research, I tried for a day. Then slowly it became everyday. But there are times, honestly, I just feel lazy, cause it is just way too much. Woman in Hijab, you have to take out your hijab, you have to put it on after and pinned all over again. This alone takes up 5 – 7 mins of your time. In total, you went MIA 10 mins max from your desk. And at the back of your head – you got worried your boss will look after you. You get worried your HR noticed you went for a longer lunch (when at time Zuhur is towards the end of lunch time)  – this –  which I went thru personally. Being questioned on my lunch hour. PFFT. Yea i know right ~

But …………………………….. there is always a blessing to everything. You took the hassle to rush yourself to Allah Swt. You are in between performing your purpose to ALLAH Swt and holding to the amanah (job) that is given to you. You are doing the best you can to fulfill what is bestowed upon you and what is given to you.

There are days whereby I have a strong iman, I’ll be like “yea man.. I am doing this …” and when I have weak iman, “yea… later I will qada’ at home, it’s okay, as long as I pray.” In the midst of everything, deep inside, I prayed that it would be good for me to work at a place whereby I need not rush thru my prayer and no longer find it such a hassle (astaghfirrullah).

Once I even thought of working in a madrasah or masjid as an admin just because I want fulfill my prayer.

Little did I know and how late has I come to realize, that Allah Swt has actually answered the prayer made by this heart of mine.

I am working with my mom right now. She did a partition at the back of the office , just the little space for us to pray. We did our wudhu with a spray bottle or bottle of water because the toilet is a public toilet. And best of all, I do not have to worry about my “boss” looking for me….. ;p

It was all so easy. I went home, have time to fetch my kids without rushing (alhamdulillah for my small ride) masyaAllah. I have time for myself before magrib. Ate dinner after magrib – wait for Isya’ and then I end my night with my kids. No worries, nothing.


Of course, everyday is not that easy peasy. Some days my kids have melt down I have to attend to them first. Once they are okay, I will dismissed myself for a while to pray. Some times, we went out for dinner as a family outside, and of course rushing home to pray.

It all depends but certainly, He has make it easy for us all.

And with that, I believe when your intention is good and  pure, He will make it happen.

I am not pious, nor even close to be pious. I am a sinner but I want to be better…

With this, till my next better piece…

Never too late to be a better muslimah


Assalammualaikum to all.. 

Alhamdulillah, these two weeks I am able to go for short classes during my free time to gain more knowledge on Islam…

The fact that I am born Islam and everything that I learn about Islam now is something new or refreshing my memories…

Regretted that I did not take it seriously when my parents tirelessly sent me and my siblings to classes every Sunday morning and having us to “ngaji” once a week…

Nonetheless, it is never too late to be a better person, to be a better muslimah..

I am struggling just like every one else. I have temptation. I have nafs just like anybody else.

Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am strong. But all I know everyday I am trying and fighting my own demons. 

Everyone has a “dark” past. I don’t wish to discuss about my past anymore and I wish it never happened.

But again, if it didn’t happened, will I be where I am right now? Maybe yes. It’s like you are in the jungle and heading back to your campsite. Instead of taking the normal route as per recommended by your rangers, you wanted to be adventurous and took another path which will lead you to so many hurdles along the way.

At the end, you will still reach your campsite. But with a whole new experience. Whether you like it or not, you did experienced it anyway. And now, you have a story. A story whereby you can either be a good example to others or a story that will make people judged you.

To be a better muslimah  – there is a lot of sacrifices. Woman by nature have 99 nafs and 1 akal. We have nafs in having branded things, good food, big home, nice car, handsome husband and a whole lot more…

But at the end of the day, once we have all this – can we really sacrifice all this and not chase after dunya?

Just like the wife of Fir’aun, Asiah (may Allah SWT be pleased with her). She have the entire kingdom. Imagine yourself, having the whole castle – kingdom or whatever that you want to call it at the palm of your hand. And you have golds, servants.. basically everything.

But she gave it all up and asked Allah SWT “to build her home in Jannah”.

How many of us are ready to gave it all up to be a better muslimah? To gave up on short shawls and buy khimar or longer shawls to cover our aurat just for HIM and not for something trendy or fashionable?How many of us are ready to stop wearing make up so that it can be easy for you to take wudhu wherever we are? 

And all these things are just tiny weeny things and nothing compare to the kingdom that once Asiah have. Now she has a home in Jannah. Subhanallah.

Don’t we all want a home in Jannah? Where we are gathered with our parents, husbands, wives, childrens…. watching our children run around in happiness. Watch our parents smiled.. watch our brothers and sisters of Islam gave salam.

It is an achievement.. and it felt like our achievements. All the things we sacrificed in dunya is paid off in the everlasting Jannah. Masya allah.

Imagine you are studying for exams. Day and night. You have failed and then you need to study again. And again.. and finally you PASSED! Masya Allah – the sigh of relieved. That you need not go thru it all over again cause you have made it.

But the question is are you ready? Am I ready?

But if I am not ready then when? Will death come before I am “ready” or can I be ever be ready before my meeting with HIM?

It may looks easy but to maintain and to istiqomah is never easy. We have to have hope and faith that we do this only to PLEASE him. Nothing else. Not to please our collegues, our husbands, our wives or our family.

May Allah SWT ease my affairs and everyone who is struggling to be a better person towards Islam.

May Allah SWT ease my marriage and to last my marriage to Jannah whereby I can see my spouse smiling and he can see my smile.

May Allah SWT ease my parenting towards my children so that I won’t be questioned by HIM on my “bad” parenting towards my children.

May Allah SWT  put my parents and yours in a higher level.

May Allah SWT grant us goodness and knowledge in our journey to be a better muslimah and muslimin.

Amiin ya rabbil a’lamiin.

If you are struggling, remember you are not alone. It is always best to talk to someone or better yet – talk to HIM. He will surely guide you..

And with that, alhamdulillah, we are given another day to be better…

Till my next better piece…


Iman & Anxiety Rush


Assalammualaikum everyone ……

It’s been awhile – again – since I updated my blog… 

The truth is I was lost. At times I do not know where I am going, what I am doing. Why am I going to so and so and why am I doing such and such….

I was having a major meltdown will full of anxiety rush. I find it hard to sleep, my heart was beating so fast that my fingers start shaking, I get annoyed easily, I felt that I needed to be alone. I do not want to be around my minions. When I am with them, I feel like I have no patience. But of course, I will feel sad for being angry at them but then the cycle repeats.

I was tired. I had no one to talk to. Millions gazillion things run thru my mind but I can’t remember what it is. I feel I have alot of things to do but I resort in doing nothing.

My heart was EMPTY. While it was empty, it was trying to find something but it could not get anything. I prayed but my level of focus was not there, I got distracted and then I will be frustrated. I sigh.. and I sigh.. not knowing what I should do….

Do you know the feeling of wanting to stab yourself and bring out your heart and ask it yourself on what EXACTLY does it want out of you? 

Yes. I was a mess. But no one knew. Anxiety is no joke. And this feeling usually comes when the Iman was at the lowest. I felt hopeless, here and there and I couldn’t get anything .. I was really, really, EMPTY.

IMAN – how do we strengthen our Iman?

Nobody’s perfect right? So Iman WILL be up and down. And I am pretty sure everybody has gone thru the way I felt. When Iman was at the lowest you’ll feel hopeless and empty. And you will constantly think whether you have done enough? And when you do, you feel like your ibadah is empty?

Imagine you are praying, and after all that is done, you feel like your prayer is empty. It’s like you do it for the sake of doing it.

When your Iman is high up, you feel you have done “the most”. You will start doing everything –  you will focus on your prayer, you will zikir, you will read Quran. And you feel that you are pious – “pious” enough to judge others who are not doing what you are doing. Which is the cons of Iman at its highest level. We tend to feel riak  – proud. 

So … I’ve realized – I was depending on the wrong source to make me feel “whole” again. I was too caught up with my dunya activities that I forgot ..

I forgot that I needed HIM … still….

I was thankful He had answered my prayers.. but I did not do enough to serve my purpose.

One day after Fajr, I prostrated and ask HIM – what is my actual purpose in this life Ya Allah? Am I a bad Mother? A bad wife? Am I not doing enough to be a better Muslimah? Is that why I am feeling empty? WHAT is it that I have to do in this life Ya Allah. I am tired…. please just show me the way.. lead me but give me strength to go thru your tests.

There are many stories where the person pray and ask Him to show the person what she/he supposed to do in this life . Like open up a random page in Quran and voila, that’s your answer – I have not tried that one though.. 

But I personally feel –  prostration is the best for me to speak to HIM. And after asking, after begging –  I just sit  and reflect. The most important on the list is my prayers. Due to work, I can’t prayed on time.. by the time I reached home, I had to rush to everything. Entertaining the minions, to showering, to praying, to pumping… and it was taking the toll on me. Hence, the anxiety. I felt I have so many things to do with so little time. And due to the rush, my prayer was a rush.

And that was the first on my thoughts.

Second, the minions and Mister. The amanah that was given to me. Have I neglected them? Turn out – yes. Mister and I had an arguement few days back about me not messaging him like how I have to. You know like “reporting strength” but it’s more like telling him my whereabouts so he won’t be concerned since I am riding. And we argued cause I told him at times I forget, at times I do other things first and I forget, at times I just don’t feel like it because it was not my nature from the beginning. But I understand his concern.. so me , as a wife, I have slacked and did not gave him the attention even when he was miles away with no one else around him.

Minions – they needed my attention and I didn’t give to them. I was tired from “do not know what” and that was my excuse. As a mother, I slacked.

And all this reflecting makes me realized – Allah SWT wants me to be a better person. Complete with ibadah and love . And if I try my best to bring my iman level up, surely He will guide me.

There is a saying…

“If we make the next life our primary concern, Allah SWT will join our affairs, will make our affairs easy and will place contentment in our hearts”


His love for us, how can we deny?

And with that, I will leave a personal note for us to ponder upon on how to answer to LOW iman:

  • Humility – humble ourselves towards HIM. Seek his forgiveness. Remember Nabi Yunus a.s doa when he has done wrong and has no one in the stomach of a whale but ALLAH SWT. He humble himself and repented with this doa: 

لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنتَ ، سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
 Laa ilaaha illa anta. Subhaanaka, innii kuntu minaz zhaalimiin

None has the right to be worshipped but You; O Allah) Glorified (and Exalted) are You. Truly, I have been among the wrong doers.” 

  • Takes full responsibility of our own actions. If we sin, we seek forgiveness. We can’t blame syaitan. Take Nabi Adam A.S for instance, when he admitted he was in the wrong instead of blaming it on Iblis. He accepted his wrong and punishment for his action. Following his footsteps with – Hope and Tawbah.
  • Always check ourselves. Ask ourselves first what have we done to deserve what we have been served. Is it right? Is it wrong? What can we do to improve ourselves? Put quality in our ibadah. 

And with this, we seek guidance to the straight path.


ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ

Guide us to the straight path –

I am just like anybody else, still learning and improving… this is my personal experience in this hijrah – and it is not a one day thingy which afterwards you already became an excellent muslimah. 

It’s a journey ~ sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it will be rocky..

And to end this, May Allah Swt gives us barakah in whatever good we are doing in this life and for the next…

Till my next better piece…..

My Answer

Assalammualaikum everyone

I am feeling a little bit “rajin” tonight so gonna blog a little bit on what I have been thru as a seafarer’s wife….

Basically the Mister came back last year around September , if I’m not wrong. And he was off again on November. And this time around, it will be 6 months voyage.

So… it has been about 2 and a half months now… and his vessel is currently sailing towards Singapore for now, from China. What I like about this vessel and alhamdulillah, even though we are miles apart for a month, whenever his vessel were to port at Singapore, he is allowed to be on shore leave.

Does not matter how many hours, I am just happy enough that he can see us, especially the kids.

Again, each timeI have people asking me about how do I cope with the kids without him? How do you even able to be without him? “Well I can’t be without my husband even for one night” she said!

Initially I can’t be without my husband even for one night. Yes I was like any other lady who is clingy with the husband. I remembered when he was on course at Batam for 2 days. One the morning he left, I already missed him so much, I cried badly and trying to struggle taking care of Minion 2. (Maybe because I was pregnant ah that time… hehe)

Thinking about it was just hilarious.

Anyhoos the first time he went away for 3 months and I was about 5 months pregnant that time, I felt alone. I felt down. I felt I just could not manage two elder minions on my own. I felt like I am going to suck big time being a mother to them.

I could not control my anger. I could not control any of my emotions. At times I feel good, at times I feel moody. And sadly, I vent my mood on my two elder minions (yes I do feel guilty which I cried everytime they went to sleep)

This was going on everyday for a week. I decided that I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS! That I am stronger than this. So I get my mood back, get distracted with work, get more socialize with my friends, getting my in laws to look after the minions while I have some time out.

At the same time, in this very situation, I turned to ALLAH and Quran as my companionship.Each time I missed the Mister and feeling down, only Him can make me feel better. And I realized that, maybe, just maybe, our life turned out like this to make us love HIM more, to make us miss each other, to make us love each other more. And to make us longing for each other and on a mercy of ALLAH swt to keep our partner safe and sound.

So now, I have the answer to the question on “How do you do it?”

My answer will be…

Cause I have ALLAH swt.

Till my next better piece…