Be mindful

Assalammualaikum everyone

I meant to write a little bit more about previous post yesterday but Minion 3 woke up and had to feed her..

Moving on…

At times being a seafarer’s wife makes me missed out a lot of things. Like for instance, this weekend is a long weekend due to Chinese New Year..

And seeing people gather together with family, went to the beach, went to the mall, went to swimming or even go for a holiday as a family makes me kinda envious..

But of course not in a bad way of envy, it is just that I wish he is here to take us out, to have a complete family dinner out at the restaurant and many other activities as a family, ya know~

I have people boastfully tells me like “we are going for this and that, how about you? Or you are staying home? TOOOOO BAD…”

Like seriously, be mindful. You do not know that your words can hurt someone. Someone like me who always wish she is on holiday with her family. Who wish that she can enjoy her weekends.

When he returned, it will be only for a while, time was constraint. We can managed a few days of holiday and then we are back to reality.

And I do not know what is happening to me. I used to loved loitering even when I had my Minion 1, even it means going out alone. I loved it, but since I am married and had Minion 2 and 3, I rather go out with only my husband. Or maybe I just do not have the energy to handle them all alone..

I believe there are other woman who is experiencing the same situation as I am. Being a woman, we are stronger than we think we are.

We may appear weak but our hearts are strong to wait for our loved ones to make it home safely, even though we are struggling to make our hearts feel better.

To tawakkal and leave everything in good hands and only make Dua for the good.

But soon, in sha allah, a few more months and it will be over… he will be on land for the rest of the days and we can decide later on whether he wishes to continue sailing or not…

So patience is virtue… in sha allah, all will be good…

Till my next better piece…

 

XoXo

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My Answer

Assalammualaikum everyone

I am feeling a little bit “rajin” tonight so gonna blog a little bit on what I have been thru as a seafarer’s wife….

Basically the Mister came back last year around September , if I’m not wrong. And he was off again on November. And this time around, it will be 6 months voyage.

So… it has been about 2 and a half months now… and his vessel is currently sailing towards Singapore for now, from China. What I like about this vessel and alhamdulillah, even though we are miles apart for a month, whenever his vessel were to port at Singapore, he is allowed to be on shore leave.

Does not matter how many hours, I am just happy enough that he can see us, especially the kids.

Again, each timeI have people asking me about how do I cope with the kids without him? How do you even able to be without him? “Well I can’t be without my husband even for one night” she said!

Initially I can’t be without my husband even for one night. Yes I was like any other lady who is clingy with the husband. I remembered when he was on course at Batam for 2 days. One the morning he left, I already missed him so much, I cried badly and trying to struggle taking care of Minion 2. (Maybe because I was pregnant ah that time… hehe)

Thinking about it was just hilarious.

Anyhoos the first time he went away for 3 months and I was about 5 months pregnant that time, I felt alone. I felt down. I felt I just could not manage two elder minions on my own. I felt like I am going to suck big time being a mother to them.

I could not control my anger. I could not control any of my emotions. At times I feel good, at times I feel moody. And sadly, I vent my mood on my two elder minions (yes I do feel guilty which I cried everytime they went to sleep)

This was going on everyday for a week. I decided that I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS! That I am stronger than this. So I get my mood back, get distracted with work, get more socialize with my friends, getting my in laws to look after the minions while I have some time out.

At the same time, in this very situation, I turned to ALLAH and Quran as my companionship.Each time I missed the Mister and feeling down, only Him can make me feel better. And I realized that, maybe, just maybe, our life turned out like this to make us love HIM more, to make us miss each other, to make us love each other more. And to make us longing for each other and on a mercy of ALLAH swt to keep our partner safe and sound.

So now, I have the answer to the question on “How do you do it?”

My answer will be…

Cause I have ALLAH swt.

Till my next better piece…

XoXo

O.K.A.Y

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb,

Alhamdulillah for the 3rd week of ramadhan as it’s nearing  passing by.. the previous week has been challenging for me as princess was down with fever, flu and cough. 

Yeap you can say that again – all three. I don’t even know until Monday when I was sending her to school , her temperature rise up and we had to be sent home. I had to take leave for three days. 

It is tough being a full time working mom, you have to juggle between your work, your children and the chores. I was practically exerting myself to the level which I would just curl up at the corner and cry. So I decided to get a helper. It was a tough decision as I need to depend on someone cause I never really depend on anyone before. I always thought I have to do all this alone but in the end I raise up my hands and cried to him.. But I guess He was answering my prayers. He wants me to have a little bit of a time for myself. To re-collect myself as a person cause I was being this haggard person who was just living life on a routine. I was too tired to do anything else. I was rushing to get things done before the night ends.

I have been thru so much since I became a mother and I guess I just have to give this lil credit and pat on my own back and said “it is okay not to be okay~, it is okay to ask for help”

Whilst I was making a decision whether to hire the helper or not, someone told me “you boleh nampak gagah je tau wati, but I know you are tired. I know cause I have been thru what you’ve been thru..” and this got me wonder…

Was I just pretending to be strong infront of others – to show that I can handle everything whilst my husband was away? Honestly I don’t know. At times I feel disappointed at myself that I need to get “help” but at the same time I do NEED help… 

After having the helper for close to a week now, I can say I have more time with my toddler boys. Hayden has been non-stop asking me to play with him which now – I don’t feel guilty rejecting him. I can have a “fight” play with him just like how my husband used to play with him. And to see him laugh that hard after so long, only He knows what I felt at that point of time. The boys would cuddle with me and I would lie down with them. All this when chores being handled as I no need to be at the kitchen all the time and left them alone. All this when princess is asleep. I managed to entertain all three at once without worrying about chores. And the feeling was… 

BLESSED. I’m able to feel blessed all over again and I appreciate being home – I appreciate my home now..

I thank Allah for the help He has given me and I will never stop praying for a helper who would be sincerely working with me and would take care of my home and kids like her own. Alhamdulillah….

Trust not completely but it is important to have faith…. I trust in Allah SWT and I trust in doing good… He will answer your prayers if you put your trust in Him 100%…

Till my next “better” piece…

Need A Little More Me

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb,

Pardon me if I am not a good writer. I wrote what I feel, what I experienced and based on what I thought. Language may not be perfect as some blogger. 

But this is mine. so read if you want, understand if you want. If not, then avoid this page.

Past two days, I am able to spend more time with myself… mmmm..  Not doing much of me time actually. First and foremost, I have to do chores before I am back to work this coming Monday. Cleaned up the whole house. Once by noon, I am free. By then I will be lonely and missing my kids. Kinda feel awkward yesterday when I was walking to the supermarket without the princess on my carrier. HAHA.

Princess did well in school, the only problem is that it was difficult to feed her by bottle. But alhamdulillah, after I fetched her in the evening yesterday, managed to feed her about 3 times by bottle without much struggle. So what I conclude – she might not like the taste of my frozen milks. So today, I gave all the fresh ones which I’ve pumped yesterday. Hopefully this works. I am leaving her in school for whole day just like yesterday, so that she knows in the day – no mummy – no direct latch.. =)

Having kids, at times, we need to trial and error. They can’t tell you what they want, what they prefer~  until like the age of 3-4, whereby they can at least have a proper conversation with you. Sometimes we have to change numerous bottles to see whether the baby can suckle on it. We have to try different food at 6 months of age, for a  3 days rule to see whether the baby is allergy to anything. So yea.. really hoping for good news later… 

So today is the last weekday of my materniy leave. I am back to tough routine this coming Monday.

“Ya Allah, please grant me patience and strength everyday. I really need it .”

I realized that my eldest is trying real hard to get my attention. He would call me numerous time asking me to watch the show which I turn on for them. Like I turn on the movie “CARS” for them and he would go on “mama look, car.. mama look car..” and I will be busy with the princess, all I could reply was “yeah… ” I have to admit , I do get annoyed cause I was busy aiding to princess, princess was crying and him calling me numerously… You do the imagination on how chaotic everyday is…

It’s hard and it does hurt me that I can’t divide my time with them as I need to attend to princess’s needs first.. The one whom was born first, gets the attention last. =(

Every night, I have to put princess to sleep first, then sleep beside secondborn and pretend to sleep so that he will dozed off – lastly to my eldest. He always have to wait for me to kiss and hug him to sleep before he really sleep. On good days, we would talk for a while.

I hate the feeling that I have been neglecting my two boys. Cause I can’t sit down with them to play, I can’t “fight” with them when they want to play fight. I can’t sit down for a minute to only stand the next second to do something. There is always something to do and I am not talking about chores – that~ can wait.

If MR is around, he would be entertaining the boys while I attend to princess. Oh~~ talking about MR, how I miss him.. the days pass quite slow as I felt like it’s been months since he went away. 

But then – c’mon it’s JUNE already !! The year does pass quickly, we are already halfway in 2016…

End of June is secondborn 2nd birthday, time to start planning what should I do for his birthday.

So how was my first half of my year 2016:

  • surpised my Hubby’s comeback
  • experienced waterbag burst for the first time
  • endured labour pain for 8 whole hours without any painkiller
  • gave birth to a beautiful princess

And now cheers to end of maternity leave *cheers*. Me and princess have done well together. and also cheers to 3 months of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is hard, when you have to feed and at the same time entertaining two toddlers. But alhamdullillah, He have grant me patience.

But this time around, my aim to be 2 yrs in sha allah… but if happen that my rezeki stop at 6 months – at least it is not that bad…

To another half a year of 2016… 

Till my next better piece… 

 

Blessings

“You want to know what I think tak?” she said. “What is it?” He asked.

She kept quiet and took a deep breathe. Hoping that the words she’s about to say won’t hurt her in future. Praying that when times goes bad, she would not wish that she have not say these words…

“I think that I do not mind you – to continue sailing…” she said. Aaaah relieved…

They have been contemplating on whether the husband should stop sailing, forget about getting his officer license and continue to work on land. So that he can be with his family. But she knows – he is not that keen on working on land. He can’t make decision and she have to reassure him that he may continue sailing , to put his worries away…

“Really?” he sounded surprised. “Okay, if like that give me 5 years. By the time…….”

He explained his plans all over again…

We can only plan  – on how it will turn out to be, it is in Allah SWT hands.

Will she regret what she said? Only time will tell but in sha allah  , she is a strong willed woman and will always support her spouse in whatever he do.

Life is hard, but to live and not love what you doing, is harder.

May Allah SWT bless my family.

A.W.A.Y

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb,

Alhamdulillah, MR has safely arrived Songkhla last Monday.But he just board the vessel this morning. This time around a new person who was handling the crew operation and we were given heads up from him. But it was too early though. MR spent 3 days at the hotel which he could spend more time with us here. Behind all these, there is always a reason.

Now he got news that the vessels will no longer have any WIFI connection. So I guess that three days is for us to prepare in getting used to each other being away and also to use that time to contact each other more. Unlike previously, whereby he will straightaway board the vessel.

No amount of time can actually allow me to get used to it. I bet every single time he goes, I will have this “nomoodlonelysad” feelings. Yes – maybe I am aware that he won’t be around but I can still feel his presence at every inch of the house. I can just look at a space and flashback on what he used to do. Ya know like those movies whereby they flashback their memory. So yeah –  I have been fighting my tears since he depart… but today my heart just filled with sadness and emptiness.

I went out thinking I could just walk around the mall with no particular direction – take a lil breather with the princess. But just walking into Kiddy Palace to get some baby stuffs remind me of him. Where he would walk and look around for toys  – for them boys. So in the end, I went back in less than half an hour. In my heart, I just could not bear walking around anymore. Went back and burst into tears –  coming into an empty house.

I used to enjoy walking alone , with no direction. Window shopping and all… but maybe not today. Previously for the 3 months, I think I never step into the mall for no reason. I will grab my things and went home.

But it’s kinda funny at times when he is around, we would argue and each time we argue I would be wishing for some time alone. But now that I am really alone, I just wish that he is around…sigh ~ 

Anyway as much as I love being home with the princess, just her and I, I am really hoping that her admission to the infant care goes well and I can return to work in 2 weeks time. Being at work  – doing no work at times, can atleast take my mind off some things. It’s gonna be tough now that we can’t contact each other like how we used to… I’m not sure whether I am strong enough for this… 

“Ya Allah, you know my heart more than anyone does. You know my strength more than anyone does. Please fill my heart with iman and happiness and keep me strength strong so that I won’t break. 

Sampaikan rinduku padanya ~~~ aamiin.

Till my next better piece…

Another Voyage

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Assalammualaikum

Rare nights like this whereby I would stay up to write something because I am inspired…

At the very least, I hope….

Tomorrow.. or in fact later in the afternoon, Mr will be signing on again at Thailand for another 3 months.

So last year we did not celebrate his birthday – no big deal, my birthday – no big deal and our 2nd year anniversary – no big deal…

Because I am no longer the girl who used to make it as an obligatory to celebrate these events.

This time around we are going to miss three big events as well. Which is Hayden’s 2nd Birthday next month, the whole month of fasting and the whole month of Raya Celebration.

Fasting would be difficult. For both of us. He will be working – he has his own “test” waiting for him while I believe I will have mine too. 

Nobody likes to be alone in fasting month. Especially eating for Sahur and breaking the fast. I remember the last time I was alone when I started to fast back in 2013. Waking up alone and eat in silence. Breaking the fast alone and at the same time feeding a hungry baby.

It will be tough this time around, no doubt about it. But no hardship comes without ease as we, muslims believe. In Sha Allah.

He is the Al’Bashiir (Yang Maha Melihat)- He knows everything, every single steps we take present and in the future. He knows when our hearts feel empty. He knows what we want.. 

and

He is the Al’Muhaimin (Yang Maha Memelihara) – will take care of us. Wherever we are. Whether we need Him or not.

so when we pray for something.. I know He will grant it cause He is the Al’Mujiib (Yang Maha Mengabulkan) our prayers.

I have HOPE in Mr’s vision. It takes a lot of me to have hope and faith in something that I can’t see in the future. Especially with the higher rate of living in Singapore and having three kids. Will this sacrifice be worth it in the end? – honestly I won’t know. If it does not turn out like how we hope it would be, at least ~ I can tell myself..

“Ya know what – you took that leap of faith, and that’s all that matters”

Till my next better piece….