Nearing Murtad

Assalammualaikum

I chance upon a video on Facebook whereby an artiste was telling the Uztad on his journey briefly and that he “baru nak start” because of his son.. took me back where I was 8 years ago..

Everybody sure have been in a point whereby we think that we do not need GOD because we are true to ourselves, we don’t do harm, we do good.. so who needs GOD? Right?

I had that thinking last time. I always tell myself – I do good, what is the possible situation that GOD will punish me? Or I do good, maybe my good is much more than my bad and that GOD will excuse me from hell?

But HE tested me greatly for 4 years. And me being weak, I fell into the trap of syaitans each and every time. Whereby everything bad, syaitan makes it look good. And every good, syaitan makes it difficult for me to do.

For 4 years, I lived my life like as if I won’t die. I lived my life in freedom. I lived my life in the way that I “always wanted” during my younger years. Even if I die, I have this believe that GOD will forgive me and excuse me from hell. Cause I did good. I don’t harm people, I am not an hyprocrite, I told the truths even when it hurts. So I should be in heaven right?

I lived my life with strangers whom I thought was a family. I surround myself with full of activities that are for the kafirs. And…. sadly… I thought I was happy ~. I enjoyed it. But the enjoyment doesn’t last long. The next day I would be like “what the HECK did I just did?” And to coax this weak heart of mine, I told myself… “nah it’s okay, it’s not a sin, you’ve enjoyed it right” or maybe that’s what syaitan trying to tell me.

Then I slowly thought, if GOD is really there, why am I in this position? Why am I being so broken and no one is here for me? I was out there, with no family and little friends. Those people that I thought was a family to me, wasn’t there for me cause to think about it now, their lives is more messed up than mine.

So why, GOD? Why me?

Until I came to the point , I stop saying “Allahu Akbar” whenever I yawn. I stop saying “Bismillah” before I ate my food. Instead of saying “Alhamdulillah” whenever I burp, I said Excuse Me. And if halfway I CAUGHT myself saying all this, I stop MYSELF.

I STOP MYSELF. Many points to Syaitan. Zero for Me. *ting ting*

I was doing bad stuff until I don’t want to do it anymore.. I was alone. I had nobody. I had my son. But at that point of time, I still did not give much thought about Allah SWT.

But I did pray in my little heart “Dear God, please make my son beautiful..” while I was pregnant. And that’s it.

After some time, some things happened and I looked at my son. I can’t be like this forever right? What will my son sees his mother as? A slave ? A weak woman? I needed to be strong for him.

And I prayed one more time with this weak heart and running tears…..

” Dear GOD or whoever you are, I dunno who should I mentioned cause I am lost. If you are really there, if you can hear me. If you are the ALMIGHTY God, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please take me and my son away from here or give me someone that is better than me –  that can guide me to a right path to be closer to you, just do it. And I will just follow what you have written for me, please I begged you. And when I leave this stupid place, please don’t make my heart turn back!”

Within a month, things change.

That nearing moment whereby I nearly said Dear Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I nearly worship Jesus. That nearing moment whereby I took my son to church to have him baptist. That nearing moment whereby I happily say I am a freethinker. That nearing moment whereby I nearly MURTAD from Islam. 

It never happened. Cause all this while – while I am lost, Allah SWT is still protecting me from being further astray.

And He answered my prayers. This slave of his. The one who did sins everyday. The one who once had forgotten him. 

It’s not true of a saying whereby “if u forgotten Allah SWT, He will forget you.”

But He hasn’t forgotten me. 

He was there all along, my heart just didn’t see it. I was blinded for that period of time but He opens up my heart to see, once again.

I wish I could tell my journey to people. The way I used to lived everyday. It’s not to open up my own aib (of course not into details) but to at least gives hopes. Especially to teenagers these days, I don’t mind. 

I still remember learning the surahs for solat in the night with my torch light on so that I don’t wake my son up. And memorizing it all over again within that short hours cause I really want to solat subuh the next morning.

And I was excited the next morning to perform subuh. And I cried the moment I prostration. I cried thinking how I have wasted my life. And I thanked Him cause if it’s not for my past either, I won’t be how I am right now.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I have seen how this world is. It’s just full of fantasies. But it doesn’t last…

My time of enjoyment is up. I wish for nothing more but for my heart to not be attached with the world activities. 

Do I missed it?

Nope, I just feel embarrassed by all the things that I have done. Like “OMG ! What was I thinking doing that back then..?” hahaha..

Alhamdulillah.

I have a husband that loved me for me. Minions that drive me mad but still love their mother no matter how harsh I am to them. After 4 years, I am back with my dad whom I made him cried the most, Mom whom I have neglected, siblings and relatives that I cared for. 

May ALLAH SWT build our homes near each other and bring our family closer in Jannah.

Aamiin

With that, have HOPE that Allah Swt is there even when you feel like a sinner, have FAITH that Allah Swt will guide you and LOVE Allah Swt for HE loves us more than our own mothers.

Till my next better piece…..

 

Never too late to be a better muslimah

Bismillahhirrahmanirrahim

Assalammualaikum to all.. 

Alhamdulillah, these two weeks I am able to go for short classes during my free time to gain more knowledge on Islam…

The fact that I am born Islam and everything that I learn about Islam now is something new or refreshing my memories…

Regretted that I did not take it seriously when my parents tirelessly sent me and my siblings to classes every Sunday morning and having us to “ngaji” once a week…

Nonetheless, it is never too late to be a better person, to be a better muslimah..

I am struggling just like every one else. I have temptation. I have nafs just like anybody else.

Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am strong. But all I know everyday I am trying and fighting my own demons. 

Everyone has a “dark” past. I don’t wish to discuss about my past anymore and I wish it never happened.

But again, if it didn’t happened, will I be where I am right now? Maybe yes. It’s like you are in the jungle and heading back to your campsite. Instead of taking the normal route as per recommended by your rangers, you wanted to be adventurous and took another path which will lead you to so many hurdles along the way.

At the end, you will still reach your campsite. But with a whole new experience. Whether you like it or not, you did experienced it anyway. And now, you have a story. A story whereby you can either be a good example to others or a story that will make people judged you.

To be a better muslimah  – there is a lot of sacrifices. Woman by nature have 99 nafs and 1 akal. We have nafs in having branded things, good food, big home, nice car, handsome husband and a whole lot more…

But at the end of the day, once we have all this – can we really sacrifice all this and not chase after dunya?

Just like the wife of Fir’aun, Asiah (may Allah SWT be pleased with her). She have the entire kingdom. Imagine yourself, having the whole castle – kingdom or whatever that you want to call it at the palm of your hand. And you have golds, servants.. basically everything.

But she gave it all up and asked Allah SWT “to build her home in Jannah”.

How many of us are ready to gave it all up to be a better muslimah? To gave up on short shawls and buy khimar or longer shawls to cover our aurat just for HIM and not for something trendy or fashionable?How many of us are ready to stop wearing make up so that it can be easy for you to take wudhu wherever we are? 

And all these things are just tiny weeny things and nothing compare to the kingdom that once Asiah have. Now she has a home in Jannah. Subhanallah.

Don’t we all want a home in Jannah? Where we are gathered with our parents, husbands, wives, childrens…. watching our children run around in happiness. Watch our parents smiled.. watch our brothers and sisters of Islam gave salam.

It is an achievement.. and it felt like our achievements. All the things we sacrificed in dunya is paid off in the everlasting Jannah. Masya allah.

Imagine you are studying for exams. Day and night. You have failed and then you need to study again. And again.. and finally you PASSED! Masya Allah – the sigh of relieved. That you need not go thru it all over again cause you have made it.

But the question is are you ready? Am I ready?

But if I am not ready then when? Will death come before I am “ready” or can I be ever be ready before my meeting with HIM?

It may looks easy but to maintain and to istiqomah is never easy. We have to have hope and faith that we do this only to PLEASE him. Nothing else. Not to please our collegues, our husbands, our wives or our family.

May Allah SWT ease my affairs and everyone who is struggling to be a better person towards Islam.

May Allah SWT ease my marriage and to last my marriage to Jannah whereby I can see my spouse smiling and he can see my smile.

May Allah SWT ease my parenting towards my children so that I won’t be questioned by HIM on my “bad” parenting towards my children.

May Allah SWT  put my parents and yours in a higher level.

May Allah SWT grant us goodness and knowledge in our journey to be a better muslimah and muslimin.

Amiin ya rabbil a’lamiin.

If you are struggling, remember you are not alone. It is always best to talk to someone or better yet – talk to HIM. He will surely guide you..

And with that, alhamdulillah, we are given another day to be better…

Till my next better piece…

 

Iman & Anxiety Rush

Bismillahhirrahmanirrahim 

Assalammualaikum everyone ……

It’s been awhile – again – since I updated my blog… 

The truth is I was lost. At times I do not know where I am going, what I am doing. Why am I going to so and so and why am I doing such and such….

I was having a major meltdown will full of anxiety rush. I find it hard to sleep, my heart was beating so fast that my fingers start shaking, I get annoyed easily, I felt that I needed to be alone. I do not want to be around my minions. When I am with them, I feel like I have no patience. But of course, I will feel sad for being angry at them but then the cycle repeats.

I was tired. I had no one to talk to. Millions gazillion things run thru my mind but I can’t remember what it is. I feel I have alot of things to do but I resort in doing nothing.

My heart was EMPTY. While it was empty, it was trying to find something but it could not get anything. I prayed but my level of focus was not there, I got distracted and then I will be frustrated. I sigh.. and I sigh.. not knowing what I should do….

Do you know the feeling of wanting to stab yourself and bring out your heart and ask it yourself on what EXACTLY does it want out of you? 

Yes. I was a mess. But no one knew. Anxiety is no joke. And this feeling usually comes when the Iman was at the lowest. I felt hopeless, here and there and I couldn’t get anything .. I was really, really, EMPTY.

IMAN – how do we strengthen our Iman?

Nobody’s perfect right? So Iman WILL be up and down. And I am pretty sure everybody has gone thru the way I felt. When Iman was at the lowest you’ll feel hopeless and empty. And you will constantly think whether you have done enough? And when you do, you feel like your ibadah is empty?

Imagine you are praying, and after all that is done, you feel like your prayer is empty. It’s like you do it for the sake of doing it.

When your Iman is high up, you feel you have done “the most”. You will start doing everything –  you will focus on your prayer, you will zikir, you will read Quran. And you feel that you are pious – “pious” enough to judge others who are not doing what you are doing. Which is the cons of Iman at its highest level. We tend to feel riak  – proud. 

So … I’ve realized – I was depending on the wrong source to make me feel “whole” again. I was too caught up with my dunya activities that I forgot ..

I forgot that I needed HIM … still….

I was thankful He had answered my prayers.. but I did not do enough to serve my purpose.

One day after Fajr, I prostrated and ask HIM – what is my actual purpose in this life Ya Allah? Am I a bad Mother? A bad wife? Am I not doing enough to be a better Muslimah? Is that why I am feeling empty? WHAT is it that I have to do in this life Ya Allah. I am tired…. please just show me the way.. lead me but give me strength to go thru your tests.

There are many stories where the person pray and ask Him to show the person what she/he supposed to do in this life . Like open up a random page in Quran and voila, that’s your answer – I have not tried that one though.. 

But I personally feel –  prostration is the best for me to speak to HIM. And after asking, after begging –  I just sit  and reflect. The most important on the list is my prayers. Due to work, I can’t prayed on time.. by the time I reached home, I had to rush to everything. Entertaining the minions, to showering, to praying, to pumping… and it was taking the toll on me. Hence, the anxiety. I felt I have so many things to do with so little time. And due to the rush, my prayer was a rush.

And that was the first on my thoughts.

Second, the minions and Mister. The amanah that was given to me. Have I neglected them? Turn out – yes. Mister and I had an arguement few days back about me not messaging him like how I have to. You know like “reporting strength” but it’s more like telling him my whereabouts so he won’t be concerned since I am riding. And we argued cause I told him at times I forget, at times I do other things first and I forget, at times I just don’t feel like it because it was not my nature from the beginning. But I understand his concern.. so me , as a wife, I have slacked and did not gave him the attention even when he was miles away with no one else around him.

Minions – they needed my attention and I didn’t give to them. I was tired from “do not know what” and that was my excuse. As a mother, I slacked.

And all this reflecting makes me realized – Allah SWT wants me to be a better person. Complete with ibadah and love . And if I try my best to bring my iman level up, surely He will guide me.

There is a saying…

“If we make the next life our primary concern, Allah SWT will join our affairs, will make our affairs easy and will place contentment in our hearts”

Subhanallah.

His love for us, how can we deny?

And with that, I will leave a personal note for us to ponder upon on how to answer to LOW iman:

  • Humility – humble ourselves towards HIM. Seek his forgiveness. Remember Nabi Yunus a.s doa when he has done wrong and has no one in the stomach of a whale but ALLAH SWT. He humble himself and repented with this doa: 

لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنتَ ، سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
 Laa ilaaha illa anta. Subhaanaka, innii kuntu minaz zhaalimiin

None has the right to be worshipped but You; O Allah) Glorified (and Exalted) are You. Truly, I have been among the wrong doers.” 

  • Takes full responsibility of our own actions. If we sin, we seek forgiveness. We can’t blame syaitan. Take Nabi Adam A.S for instance, when he admitted he was in the wrong instead of blaming it on Iblis. He accepted his wrong and punishment for his action. Following his footsteps with – Hope and Tawbah.
  • Always check ourselves. Ask ourselves first what have we done to deserve what we have been served. Is it right? Is it wrong? What can we do to improve ourselves? Put quality in our ibadah. 

And with this, we seek guidance to the straight path.

 

ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ

Guide us to the straight path –

I am just like anybody else, still learning and improving… this is my personal experience in this hijrah – and it is not a one day thingy which afterwards you already became an excellent muslimah. 

It’s a journey ~ sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it will be rocky..

And to end this, May Allah Swt gives us barakah in whatever good we are doing in this life and for the next…

Till my next better piece…..

Never give up, even when you wanted to

Assalammualaikum everyone….

Today I am back to my usual self, much more happier self I should say…

Was terribly sick over CNY weekend which I could not even do anything. Tried studying but nothing goes to the head as the head already feel pressured and heavy. Took medicines but seems like it was not working.

In the end, I took panadol and I applied an oil rub on myself, which was meant for Minion 3 but no harm trying, and it does work for my flu and cough.

Due to this, I was unable to study well for my exams and I failed. So my re-test will be this Thursday, we’ll see how it goes for me this time around..

Speaking about test, yesterday I passed a test which I wanted for a very long time…

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YES!!! It was my motorcycle riding test..

I was so happy I did it this time around as it was my 2nd attempt. I was actually anticipating to fail again (yeap, extremely low self esteem there~~) but in the end, who knew…

The first time, I thought I had passed so when I got to know I’ve failed during result time, I was very disappointed. My mood was down, I tried to brush the feeling off but I can’t. In the end, I cried to HIM to take this feeling away from me cause whatever the reason that I could not pass the first time around, is supposed to be good for me. 

Maybe HE knew I wasn’t ready, I am still careless and reckless with no confident to be a independent rider.

After which, I found my inner peace and just tell myself to do better the next time around…

I didn’t practice as much as I did during the first time. Total I just did 6 more practices (2 practice which is compulsory for those who failed) and then I went for my test, which was yesterday.

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It took me less than 6 months to complete this whole thing. In these 6 months, a lot of time (and money…) were sacrificed. Those times where I have to endure engorgement during lessons, a lot of time I worry that my ice packs will melt inside the locker, a lot of times where I came home to sleeping minions.

A LOT OF SACRIFICES !

But syukur alhamdulillah, it was the most satisfying feeling I had for a very long time. To praying under my breath for my name NOT be called out and finally when the instructor stop calling out numbers and said “if there is no further changes, you all have passed” which lead to loud cheering from all of us.

Masya allah. A whole lot of new experienced.

I could not have done it without HIM and of course my husband who has been supporting and believing in me since the beginning. Told him to keep it a secret as I didn’t even tell my close friends cause I intended to only let people know once I have passed – so there won’t be any pressure while I am on practicals. When I wanted to give up caused I feel demoralized after failing, my husband would remind me that it is okay to fail sometime.

So today, I woke up smiling and having a little bit of anxiety rush that I have to calm myself down. Haha.

Finally, I’ve achieved something off my “want to do” list.

Of course have to ride slow, steady and safely.

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And my minion 2 love bikes too… in sha allah dude, your time to get one will come when you get older…

Till my next better piece..

XoXo

Oh my minions, slow down already

Assalammualaikum everyone!!

So I am stuck in the train right now for the past half an hour due to some train fault (not my prob) and am late for class….

Good thing now we, classmates have a group chat which was created by one of us, easy to update them that some west siders are stuck in the train.

Damn, I should have written this half an hour ago now I am only left with 1 station -_-

Okay okay, quick one….

My children, who I prefer to call minions because if you watch the movie Minions – well they are kinda similar. Silly, Clumsy, Non-Stop Blabbering and hey, my children speaks Minion language (that only the Mother HAVE to understand, unfortunately)

Update: I am in class already 

Minion 1 is already in K1 class this year. Minion 2 in Playgroup class. And Minion 3 still remain at Infant Class.

Their developments : Minion 1 is good at memorizing and he remembers everything ! Like.. “Mama teacher Mei said no white uniform, must orange uniform, u buy ok”

So with this, atleast I know he remembers and can relate to me. Everyday without fail, I would ask him how was school and what he do at school. And his story telling is perfecto eventhough some words are still not clear, but understandable. As the teacher have said, he will have no problem with his Oral in future … haha

Minion 2 – this cute and slumber kid starting to speak in full sentences. Eventhough it’s still not so clear, at this age, I would say he is better than Minion 1. Minion 2 is so “berat mulut” like his parents, so at times I can see that he is just lazy to open his mouth to talk and just slurred the words with his tongue.

Minion 3 – oh so graceful princess… starting to crawl longer distance, hold support to stand, stand on her own for quite a long time, clap her hands, starts waving, flying kisses and blabbering. Can’t get enough of this lady…

Last two days, I do not know what came up on me. I realized that in my IG, I posted 3k photos. Like oh my, even artiste does not have that much photos. Haha.

So thought of deleting SOME and I ended up deleting 2k photos. Fuh~. 1k photos in my IG is such coolness to my eyes.

I came across old videos of Minion 1, when he was only a year old, blabbering and with his own silly acts. I cried watching the videos. He was sucha happy baby…. already turning 5 this year

Oh my minions…. slow down already… you three are still and forever my babies.

I feel guilty EVERYTIME i am harsh on them, believe me I do. At times I am so stressed up or I am “overly touched” by them as soon as I sat down on the sofa, I get so worked up and anxious. I have no idea why.

So nowadays, once I reach home, I will take 15 mins or more to myself, with my room locked. Shower, Pray and Pump out milk (yes I am still breastfeeding – more on my breastfeeding journey soon)

For now… it’s tea break time ~~~

Till my next better piece…

 

 

XoXo

 

 

Take a leap of faith

Okay so it has been half a year since my last update.

How on point, just earlier today, I was sending my other collegues our old photos with our Late Sharifah around – refer to my previous post

Anyhoos, so what has been going on for the past 6 months…

I’ve resigned from my 9 years career in Tokio Marine Insurance in Sept 2016, hopped t0 First Capital Insurance where I thought I would work as long as I did in TMIS.

BUT….. it turned out wrong…

Basically it was something that I wanted to do for a long time (the jobscope I meant..), I don’t go for the salary wise (yes I am stupid like that….) because they offer me peanuts by the way… and… obviously not the designation cause I don’t believe in higher designation makes you a better person or have a better authority on something..

So I thought I would just, ya know, get the experienced and then moved to a better place. But the environment got the best of me, I was literally bringing work home, mentally and would even dreamt of work. Sucha  wrong lifestyle, I am already stressed at home, I would not want to bring another stress from work.

So after weeks of thinking, I thought I should just work with my mother who is running a business. Eventhough I have no experienced or whatsoever, I am still young right, my brain need to work on something new.

Took the leap of faith and voila.. here I am after a month. Doing okay, at times stressful but not as stressful as my previous job..

Updates on my minions…. they are growing up so fast and I am just surprised to know how much they have learnt in school…

Will update tomorrow In sha allah as homework time with the elder one is over and now it’s bedtime…

Till my next better piece…

 

XoXo

Temporary

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Assalammualaikum WrWb,

Alhamdulillah another week has passed and we are left with 2 more days of fasting (excluding today)

My crib is pretty much ready for Raya. I managed to do 2 kuehs, the rest was bought by my father. Alhamdulillah.

Today I am gonna say what has been in my chest for the past two days.

We all know that nothing last forever. Happiness does not last forever, soon you will be sad. Money does not last forever, soon you will have to spend it. Life does not last forever, soon you will be dead.

I’ve lost a friend whom I’ve known for years while working. My collegues are more like my friends as we pretty much see each other everyday. This late friend of mine passed on Friday evening. After all the shock, I came to realize she was chosen on Ramadhan and a blessed Friday. Alhamdulillah. We were not that close, we have our differences. I was once known as a girl who does not talk much and don’t really handle other people’s bullshit well. She has flaws and some things she has done that makes me build a wall around myself. But then, we still have fun together when we were in a group. We went for company’s trip together.We had fun during dinner after work before I had my first son.

When I learnt more about how I should be around people, how I should not be egoistic in thinking or judging others –  who am I to say what she did was wrong? Have I not done wrong all my life? Nauzubillah, maybe my sins weighs more than hers. That’s when I became more socialize with people and not to judge based on what I see or hear. 

My biggest regret – is that I am unable to seek forgiveness for the wrong that I have done towards her. Whether is is from the front, back, up or down, I have wronged her. And I feel bummed that Allah SWT does not give me a chance to apologize to her.

This made me realized, whatever we do in life, we should never wrong others. Be it spouse, family members or friends. WHOEVER we meet in life. 

This year, my mission is to put ego aside and own up to my wrong. It’s never shameful o be the first to apologize. Life is TEMPORARY, how long would you want to remain the same.

One day you will see the world and have a whole lot of plans ahead of you, another second, minute, hour or a day, you may only find yourself looking at your lifeless body.

Astaghfirullah Al’adzhim

“Semoga Allah SWT tempatkan kau disisi orang-orang yang beriman. Tenanglah kau disana, Sharifah Yasmin Arfah”

Till my next better piece…