Day 04 – Healing Process

Assalammualaikum,

What shall I say about my day 04?

Everything pretty much the same …. Just me and my secondborn, missing my firstborn but he was with his bio dad. By the time he reached home I can see he has not been sleeping well, so quickly put him to bed….

Communication with my love became lesser. He have his duty hours and all I do is wait for the time he knocked off duty. When he knocked off he have to rush on his lunch, wash up and have his rest for about 4 hours before start his duty again….

I feel like I get emotional and cry easily when I am alone… When I do, my secondborn being so dear, he would come to me and say “no no” and try to wipe my tears. How can I not cry harder? Ya Allah.

This is not suffering, this is just my healing process. I realized I do get better. My mood to do things is slowly picking up. To keep myself busy, I clean things up even if it’s a bit. When usually he was around, I would layback a little bit on the household chores. I don’t eat much like I used to for now… Eating alone is a pain process too as all along we have never skipped having meals together…

I know I can do this, in time to come, he’ll say I will be immune to it… Will I? Cause I was never a clingy girlfriend to anyone before but with him, I just want him to be by my side since the day I was with him. Whether I like it or not. His presence makes me feels confident. His presence makes me feel I will be protected. Now I feel I am fragile, I don’t wish to step out of the house other than for work….

But I have to, at times, take a little walk, meet my in-laws and family, for the kid’s sake. I have to have a healthy mind, especially for my upcoming baby princess.

Praying is one healing process. I cry to the one and only to heal my heart, to keep him safe, to protect my family, to give me strength…

Till then, I am just happy that he is safe everyday surround with good people….

Advertisements

Day 03 – The Weekends

image

When I told my close collegues about him off to sailing, they popped the same questions “and you allow him? Can you handle or not? Who is living with you? Later you have another one baby how you going to handle?”

Firstly, if I do not allow him to have this career path, I would be selfish. At the end of the day, he is not doing this for himself. Does he like to be out there, in the middle of the sea, not able to see his family everyday like any other normal family man got a chance to? Does he like waking up worrying about his wife and children but still have to go thru the day working? Does he like sleeping in a small cabin while he have a bed full of love from his wife and children back home?

No. I don’t think so.

Do I like to be stressful with two minions? Do i like to be crying each time I misses him? Do I like sleeping and keep waking up searching for his presence only to realize he wasn’t there?

Nope. Not me~ 

But this is just a LITTLE sacrifice that we have to make and the beginning already says it all. It is difficult, going to be difficult….. Day by day, as days suddenly become mundane. You don’t feel like doing anything. No comedy is making you smile or laugh like it used to. You just living your days in dazed… You hate being alone but all you wanna do is BE ALONE. But ….. deep down you know it is gonna be WORTH IT…. 

Secondly, about handling or manage things, I am used to handle the kids alone, but yes I do need help. I am no superwoman. I have my bad days and good days. But I always have faith that even if i stumble and fall during this process, I will get back up and do it again. My children is my life. Eventho, at times they get into my nerves real bad. People might think I am a bad mom shouting here and there (put yourself into my shoes and tell me if you are not going to shout). But which mother would not love their own children. In Sha Allah, may Allah grant me patience and strength to handle things…

Life is never an easy road, if it is, it’s not called Life….. 

Till my next better piece…. 

Day was easy, Night gets harder

Assalammualaikum,

Just put the boys to bed and I thought of writing this piece of my thoughts…..

Just when you thought it will get better, but when you are mostly alone, it gets harder… 

The moment I fetch the boys, I started to shed more tears … (Yes I know I have promised myself not to cry…)

Why?

Cause usually around this time, I would rush home, either I know I have someone waiting for me. Or if he comes back later from work, I know it will be around 745pm or earlier.  I never really express this to him but everyday I am always looking forward to see him open the front door. Everyday. And he will be greeted by his boys. Seeing the boys so happy when he came back makes me feel happy. I am, myself happy that he is back home safely from work. 

Now coming back to an empty house, spending the nights with the boys alone is not doing me any good for the time being. I thought my minions would keep my mind occupied. But, ya allah, every single thing I do with them reminds me of his presence. 

Just like earlier, was cleaning secondborn ears after shower and I cried buckets. Cause this was his routine with his son. 

Ya Allah! This was never a one or two day thingy and  then you will be fine. I guess it will take alot of me to adapt to this changes. ALOT! 

This is just the beginning…..

Day 2 – Things will get better, eventually

Assalammualaikum,

Alhamdulillah for another day gifted to me and my loved ones. Woke up earlier than usually just to be on my toes in case one of my boys woke up. 

Both of our sons, aged 3 and 1 years old slept well yesterday. Alhamdulillah. And myself, woke up a few times to check on my secondborn.

Today, I feel better. A little bit. Not a lot. But I did not wake up crying. While I prayed Subuh, no tears. Seems like just another day. I felt like my eyes has run dry. I felt that I understand why we are being put in this situation. 

I read other blogs by seafearers’ wives before I tuck in last night, just to give me a little boost on this new “world”. I am not the only one. I did not lose my only love. He is just being away to put food on the table. For me, for his kids and for his upcoming princess. So I have to stop being selfish and act as if I have lost my only love. 

Allah SWT is fair. He would not want me to grieve. Being sad is okay, but nothing last forever. Not even my tears.

I promised myself that I won’t cry today. But as a human, who am I kidding? I did have little tears while chatting with him. 

Allah SWT won’t put me in a situation whereby I can’t handle – In sha allah, may He keep my faith strong….

Today my future seafearer is set to sea. Mode of communication? Not known yet…. But He will be safe, in sha allah.

As a wife, I am proud of him for his sacrifice…

Till my next better piece…..

 

Day 01 – Wife to the future Seafearer

image

Assalammualaikum 

I’ve decided to write how I feel about this whole thing. It is so funny that we have been talking for months that he wanted to return to the sea and I agreed. Honestly I didn’t know what I’ve got myself into… 

So after months, the day was finally here. This morning. I could still feel his presence. I could feel his touch. I could see his eyes and smile. I know his every reaction to everything…

When you are so used to having someone by your side, and when it was time for him to go, suddenly you feel lost. You don’t feel like you want to enter your home anymore cause every single corner reminds you of him. You ate last night dinner which was last done by him. You do not want to enter your bedroom where you can still see in your eyes that he was lying there having his nap and you have to wake him up.

Every single thing. It is hard. Why didn’t anyone tell me it is THIS hard letting go of someone you feel comfortable with, someone whom you really love and still loving him strongly after arguements?

But sad to say, I have to gobble it all in. I have to face the fact that he is doing this for our future. I prayed for him to get his job and yet I am torturing myself?? Make sense ? No? Yea I thought so…

Life still goes on and I have approx 90 days to go on with my days with my children without him… I thank Allah SWT for such technology that can be used now to keep in touch no matter the distance. Alhamdulillah. 

Only to Him I pray for strength and patience. He knows best.

Till my next better piece….