Never too late to be a better muslimah

Bismillahhirrahmanirrahim

Assalammualaikum to all.. 

Alhamdulillah, these two weeks I am able to go for short classes during my free time to gain more knowledge on Islam…

The fact that I am born Islam and everything that I learn about Islam now is something new or refreshing my memories…

Regretted that I did not take it seriously when my parents tirelessly sent me and my siblings to classes every Sunday morning and having us to “ngaji” once a week…

Nonetheless, it is never too late to be a better person, to be a better muslimah..

I am struggling just like every one else. I have temptation. I have nafs just like anybody else.

Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am strong. But all I know everyday I am trying and fighting my own demons. 

Everyone has a “dark” past. I don’t wish to discuss about my past anymore and I wish it never happened.

But again, if it didn’t happened, will I be where I am right now? Maybe yes. It’s like you are in the jungle and heading back to your campsite. Instead of taking the normal route as per recommended by your rangers, you wanted to be adventurous and took another path which will lead you to so many hurdles along the way.

At the end, you will still reach your campsite. But with a whole new experience. Whether you like it or not, you did experienced it anyway. And now, you have a story. A story whereby you can either be a good example to others or a story that will make people judged you.

To be a better muslimah  – there is a lot of sacrifices. Woman by nature have 99 nafs and 1 akal. We have nafs in having branded things, good food, big home, nice car, handsome husband and a whole lot more…

But at the end of the day, once we have all this – can we really sacrifice all this and not chase after dunya?

Just like the wife of Fir’aun, Asiah (may Allah SWT be pleased with her). She have the entire kingdom. Imagine yourself, having the whole castle – kingdom or whatever that you want to call it at the palm of your hand. And you have golds, servants.. basically everything.

But she gave it all up and asked Allah SWT “to build her home in Jannah”.

How many of us are ready to gave it all up to be a better muslimah? To gave up on short shawls and buy khimar or longer shawls to cover our aurat just for HIM and not for something trendy or fashionable?How many of us are ready to stop wearing make up so that it can be easy for you to take wudhu wherever we are? 

And all these things are just tiny weeny things and nothing compare to the kingdom that once Asiah have. Now she has a home in Jannah. Subhanallah.

Don’t we all want a home in Jannah? Where we are gathered with our parents, husbands, wives, childrens…. watching our children run around in happiness. Watch our parents smiled.. watch our brothers and sisters of Islam gave salam.

It is an achievement.. and it felt like our achievements. All the things we sacrificed in dunya is paid off in the everlasting Jannah. Masya allah.

Imagine you are studying for exams. Day and night. You have failed and then you need to study again. And again.. and finally you PASSED! Masya Allah – the sigh of relieved. That you need not go thru it all over again cause you have made it.

But the question is are you ready? Am I ready?

But if I am not ready then when? Will death come before I am “ready” or can I be ever be ready before my meeting with HIM?

It may looks easy but to maintain and to istiqomah is never easy. We have to have hope and faith that we do this only to PLEASE him. Nothing else. Not to please our collegues, our husbands, our wives or our family.

May Allah SWT ease my affairs and everyone who is struggling to be a better person towards Islam.

May Allah SWT ease my marriage and to last my marriage to Jannah whereby I can see my spouse smiling and he can see my smile.

May Allah SWT ease my parenting towards my children so that I won’t be questioned by HIM on my “bad” parenting towards my children.

May Allah SWT  put my parents and yours in a higher level.

May Allah SWT grant us goodness and knowledge in our journey to be a better muslimah and muslimin.

Amiin ya rabbil a’lamiin.

If you are struggling, remember you are not alone. It is always best to talk to someone or better yet – talk to HIM. He will surely guide you..

And with that, alhamdulillah, we are given another day to be better…

Till my next better piece…

 

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Iman & Anxiety Rush

Bismillahhirrahmanirrahim 

Assalammualaikum everyone ……

It’s been awhile – again – since I updated my blog… 

The truth is I was lost. At times I do not know where I am going, what I am doing. Why am I going to so and so and why am I doing such and such….

I was having a major meltdown will full of anxiety rush. I find it hard to sleep, my heart was beating so fast that my fingers start shaking, I get annoyed easily, I felt that I needed to be alone. I do not want to be around my minions. When I am with them, I feel like I have no patience. But of course, I will feel sad for being angry at them but then the cycle repeats.

I was tired. I had no one to talk to. Millions gazillion things run thru my mind but I can’t remember what it is. I feel I have alot of things to do but I resort in doing nothing.

My heart was EMPTY. While it was empty, it was trying to find something but it could not get anything. I prayed but my level of focus was not there, I got distracted and then I will be frustrated. I sigh.. and I sigh.. not knowing what I should do….

Do you know the feeling of wanting to stab yourself and bring out your heart and ask it yourself on what EXACTLY does it want out of you? 

Yes. I was a mess. But no one knew. Anxiety is no joke. And this feeling usually comes when the Iman was at the lowest. I felt hopeless, here and there and I couldn’t get anything .. I was really, really, EMPTY.

IMAN – how do we strengthen our Iman?

Nobody’s perfect right? So Iman WILL be up and down. And I am pretty sure everybody has gone thru the way I felt. When Iman was at the lowest you’ll feel hopeless and empty. And you will constantly think whether you have done enough? And when you do, you feel like your ibadah is empty?

Imagine you are praying, and after all that is done, you feel like your prayer is empty. It’s like you do it for the sake of doing it.

When your Iman is high up, you feel you have done “the most”. You will start doing everything –  you will focus on your prayer, you will zikir, you will read Quran. And you feel that you are pious – “pious” enough to judge others who are not doing what you are doing. Which is the cons of Iman at its highest level. We tend to feel riak  – proud. 

So … I’ve realized – I was depending on the wrong source to make me feel “whole” again. I was too caught up with my dunya activities that I forgot ..

I forgot that I needed HIM … still….

I was thankful He had answered my prayers.. but I did not do enough to serve my purpose.

One day after Fajr, I prostrated and ask HIM – what is my actual purpose in this life Ya Allah? Am I a bad Mother? A bad wife? Am I not doing enough to be a better Muslimah? Is that why I am feeling empty? WHAT is it that I have to do in this life Ya Allah. I am tired…. please just show me the way.. lead me but give me strength to go thru your tests.

There are many stories where the person pray and ask Him to show the person what she/he supposed to do in this life . Like open up a random page in Quran and voila, that’s your answer – I have not tried that one though.. 

But I personally feel –  prostration is the best for me to speak to HIM. And after asking, after begging –  I just sit  and reflect. The most important on the list is my prayers. Due to work, I can’t prayed on time.. by the time I reached home, I had to rush to everything. Entertaining the minions, to showering, to praying, to pumping… and it was taking the toll on me. Hence, the anxiety. I felt I have so many things to do with so little time. And due to the rush, my prayer was a rush.

And that was the first on my thoughts.

Second, the minions and Mister. The amanah that was given to me. Have I neglected them? Turn out – yes. Mister and I had an arguement few days back about me not messaging him like how I have to. You know like “reporting strength” but it’s more like telling him my whereabouts so he won’t be concerned since I am riding. And we argued cause I told him at times I forget, at times I do other things first and I forget, at times I just don’t feel like it because it was not my nature from the beginning. But I understand his concern.. so me , as a wife, I have slacked and did not gave him the attention even when he was miles away with no one else around him.

Minions – they needed my attention and I didn’t give to them. I was tired from “do not know what” and that was my excuse. As a mother, I slacked.

And all this reflecting makes me realized – Allah SWT wants me to be a better person. Complete with ibadah and love . And if I try my best to bring my iman level up, surely He will guide me.

There is a saying…

“If we make the next life our primary concern, Allah SWT will join our affairs, will make our affairs easy and will place contentment in our hearts”

Subhanallah.

His love for us, how can we deny?

And with that, I will leave a personal note for us to ponder upon on how to answer to LOW iman:

  • Humility – humble ourselves towards HIM. Seek his forgiveness. Remember Nabi Yunus a.s doa when he has done wrong and has no one in the stomach of a whale but ALLAH SWT. He humble himself and repented with this doa: 

لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنتَ ، سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
 Laa ilaaha illa anta. Subhaanaka, innii kuntu minaz zhaalimiin

None has the right to be worshipped but You; O Allah) Glorified (and Exalted) are You. Truly, I have been among the wrong doers.” 

  • Takes full responsibility of our own actions. If we sin, we seek forgiveness. We can’t blame syaitan. Take Nabi Adam A.S for instance, when he admitted he was in the wrong instead of blaming it on Iblis. He accepted his wrong and punishment for his action. Following his footsteps with – Hope and Tawbah.
  • Always check ourselves. Ask ourselves first what have we done to deserve what we have been served. Is it right? Is it wrong? What can we do to improve ourselves? Put quality in our ibadah. 

And with this, we seek guidance to the straight path.

 

ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ

Guide us to the straight path –

I am just like anybody else, still learning and improving… this is my personal experience in this hijrah – and it is not a one day thingy which afterwards you already became an excellent muslimah. 

It’s a journey ~ sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it will be rocky..

And to end this, May Allah Swt gives us barakah in whatever good we are doing in this life and for the next…

Till my next better piece…..

Spouse is all we have.. Dunia Akhirat

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb…

When you have been pregnant for almost a year and you forgot at times that you are NOT pregnant…

Used to being pregnant… 

2012 – firstborn

2014- secondborn

2016 – thirdborn

Every two years, alhamdulillah. Eventhough they are young and  “toddlers being toddlers”, I believe when they grew older together, things will get easier for us both, in sha allah. 

When you are occupied with your little ones, you tend to neglect your spouse. What not right, little ones obviously need our attention 24/7. But that was where I was wrong initially. Eventhough our spouse may not say anything or may understand, but who in this world would not want attention?

As a woman and a wife, our spouse is just one individual that needs our attention and love too. I remember I kept falling asleep while putting my secondborn to sleep – who was then a few months old and I just leave my spouse alone most of the time watching TV – even during weekends afternoon. I was too tired and I felt like my secondborn was taking a toll out of me (he is .. still). Until I realized our relationship is growing further. We have nothing to talk about. I can’t remember what makes him say this, but he does said that I don’t gave him attention. And that struck me.

I may excel in being a mom, but what am I as a wife? At the end of the day, my kids are going to grow up, will start a new life, will have their own marriage life and what will I and my spouse be after all that? Will we be as loving as we should be or there won’t be any communication at all? This scares me….. 

I grew up seeing my mom neglected my dad. Seeing my mom belittled my dad. My mom may be more educated than my dad at that point of time but I don’t see any respect given to my dad. That’s why we – siblings are more closer to Dad. I do not want history to repeat itself. I even promise myself as young as I was in primary school that I won’t be like Mom.

I promised that I will be friends with my kids. They will be open to me with their problems in life. But as a wife, am I really a friend to my husband when he need me? Sure we share some stories that we don’t share with anyone else. Sure we have our moments together. 

I believe how the marriage will turn out is in His Hands, but we need to do something to keep the flame going. Hopefully after my confinement and if he has not gone sailing yet, we have dates, just the two of us. 

Being a friend to our spouse is important and less of a work than trying to be “the perfect spouse”. And I remember during our marriage class, he looked at me and said that “he is confident that we can pull through this marriage.” During our first years was tough but alhamdulillah it got better. And I pray for it to be better, aamiin.

My spouse, in this world and the next, who will be the key to Jannah. 

Till my next better piece…..

Gratitude

Assalammualaikum Wr Wb

I just want to shout out to my husband, my one and only husband.

At times like this, I feel so blessed for having you as my spouse and it could be no one better. Allah SWT knows what I need and what I need was the support you have given. 

When I was in labor pain, i rather have no one there but you and I have you – crying for you whenever you let go of my hand and I just don’t wanna let go of your hand no matter how tired my hand was being tight.

And now during my confinement when I know you have less of a sleep just like I do, and additional with two sick & clingy boys at home to handle during the day and baby cries during the night, but still you do things willingly and I can feel the sincerity in you.

I would lie if I say I don’t mind you going back sailing just because that’s where we will get some income. As much as it worries me financially but it’s the least matter to me and I know I am dreading the day you will return to sea, again ~ just the thought of it could make me cry (yes i am crying right now… )

I just want to say things that I am unable to say when I am infront of you. That you are a great person, a great dad to your kids, and definitely a great husband to me. May Allah SWT reward you in so many ways. 

I love you and will always do…. 

Istighfar

imageAssalammualaikum WR Wb…

At times like this when I have lose patience as I did not have an easy morning…

Ya Allah , you know what’s best for me. I know that whatever you are delaying me for, is for the best for me… I know I did not take it easy and well, I have lose my patience, I muttered some words that I wish it wasn’t a prayer… hence forgive me …..

Alot of challenges in my life that I can be patience of but I know handling a fussy child is not my forte from the start. I have no idea at times how I can handle the situation.

Mainly I realize it is not from me, it is from Him.

Why do at one minute I was furious mad and another minute A reminder to myself that having children is a gift and an amanah that was entrusted to me cause He knows I can handle it? 

He gave me his reminder right on the spot when I just lose patience. Subhanallah.

Astaghfirullaha’lazim.

May Allah SWT ease my affairs for the rest of the day… Aamiin

Till my next better piece…