Assalammualaikum everyone ……
It’s been awhile – again – since I updated my blog…
The truth is I was lost. At times I do not know where I am going, what I am doing. Why am I going to so and so and why am I doing such and such….
I was having a major meltdown will full of anxiety rush. I find it hard to sleep, my heart was beating so fast that my fingers start shaking, I get annoyed easily, I felt that I needed to be alone. I do not want to be around my minions. When I am with them, I feel like I have no patience. But of course, I will feel sad for being angry at them but then the cycle repeats.
I was tired. I had no one to talk to. Millions gazillion things run thru my mind but I can’t remember what it is. I feel I have alot of things to do but I resort in doing nothing.
My heart was EMPTY. While it was empty, it was trying to find something but it could not get anything. I prayed but my level of focus was not there, I got distracted and then I will be frustrated. I sigh.. and I sigh.. not knowing what I should do….
Do you know the feeling of wanting to stab yourself and bring out your heart and ask it yourself on what EXACTLY does it want out of you?
Yes. I was a mess. But no one knew. Anxiety is no joke. And this feeling usually comes when the Iman was at the lowest. I felt hopeless, here and there and I couldn’t get anything .. I was really, really, EMPTY.
IMAN – how do we strengthen our Iman?
Nobody’s perfect right? So Iman WILL be up and down. And I am pretty sure everybody has gone thru the way I felt. When Iman was at the lowest you’ll feel hopeless and empty. And you will constantly think whether you have done enough? And when you do, you feel like your ibadah is empty?
Imagine you are praying, and after all that is done, you feel like your prayer is empty. It’s like you do it for the sake of doing it.
When your Iman is high up, you feel you have done “the most”. You will start doing everything – you will focus on your prayer, you will zikir, you will read Quran. And you feel that you are pious – “pious” enough to judge others who are not doing what you are doing. Which is the cons of Iman at its highest level. We tend to feel riak – proud.
So … I’ve realized – I was depending on the wrong source to make me feel “whole” again. I was too caught up with my dunya activities that I forgot ..
I forgot that I needed HIM … still….
I was thankful He had answered my prayers.. but I did not do enough to serve my purpose.
One day after Fajr, I prostrated and ask HIM – what is my actual purpose in this life Ya Allah? Am I a bad Mother? A bad wife? Am I not doing enough to be a better Muslimah? Is that why I am feeling empty? WHAT is it that I have to do in this life Ya Allah. I am tired…. please just show me the way.. lead me but give me strength to go thru your tests.
There are many stories where the person pray and ask Him to show the person what she/he supposed to do in this life . Like open up a random page in Quran and voila, that’s your answer – I have not tried that one though..
But I personally feel – prostration is the best for me to speak to HIM. And after asking, after begging – I just sit and reflect. The most important on the list is my prayers. Due to work, I can’t prayed on time.. by the time I reached home, I had to rush to everything. Entertaining the minions, to showering, to praying, to pumping… and it was taking the toll on me. Hence, the anxiety. I felt I have so many things to do with so little time. And due to the rush, my prayer was a rush.
And that was the first on my thoughts.
Second, the minions and Mister. The amanah that was given to me. Have I neglected them? Turn out – yes. Mister and I had an arguement few days back about me not messaging him like how I have to. You know like “reporting strength” but it’s more like telling him my whereabouts so he won’t be concerned since I am riding. And we argued cause I told him at times I forget, at times I do other things first and I forget, at times I just don’t feel like it because it was not my nature from the beginning. But I understand his concern.. so me , as a wife, I have slacked and did not gave him the attention even when he was miles away with no one else around him.
Minions – they needed my attention and I didn’t give to them. I was tired from “do not know what” and that was my excuse. As a mother, I slacked.
And all this reflecting makes me realized – Allah SWT wants me to be a better person. Complete with ibadah and love . And if I try my best to bring my iman level up, surely He will guide me.
There is a saying…
“If we make the next life our primary concern, Allah SWT will join our affairs, will make our affairs easy and will place contentment in our hearts”
His love for us, how can we deny?
And with that, I will leave a personal note for us to ponder upon on how to answer to LOW iman:
- Humility – humble ourselves towards HIM. Seek his forgiveness. Remember Nabi Yunus a.s doa when he has done wrong and has no one in the stomach of a whale but ALLAH SWT. He humble himself and repented with this doa:
لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنتَ ، سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
Laa ilaaha illa anta. Subhaanaka, innii kuntu minaz zhaalimiin
None has the right to be worshipped but You; O Allah) Glorified (and Exalted) are You. Truly, I have been among the wrong doers.”
- Takes full responsibility of our own actions. If we sin, we seek forgiveness. We can’t blame syaitan. Take Nabi Adam A.S for instance, when he admitted he was in the wrong instead of blaming it on Iblis. He accepted his wrong and punishment for his action. Following his footsteps with – Hope and Tawbah.
- Always check ourselves. Ask ourselves first what have we done to deserve what we have been served. Is it right? Is it wrong? What can we do to improve ourselves? Put quality in our ibadah.
And with this, we seek guidance to the straight path.
ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ
Guide us to the straight path –
I am just like anybody else, still learning and improving… this is my personal experience in this hijrah – and it is not a one day thingy which afterwards you already became an excellent muslimah.
It’s a journey ~ sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it will be rocky..
And to end this, May Allah Swt gives us barakah in whatever good we are doing in this life and for the next…
Till my next better piece…..